I'll be honest here. It's pretty obvious I don't post here often. Part of me wants to post and get all these stupid feelings out, the other part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut and get on with my life.

I grew up a lot in the past year, and while I hope to continue that particular journey, I doubt you'll see much of me out here in the blog-o-sphere.


I am, however, starting a new blog. It's going to be almost exclusively photos. A few years ago, when I moved to Oklahoma I started a Project 365. I didn't finish it with all the moving around that year brought, but I started one once again. It's going to be a lot of pictures of cats, so I'll warn anyone that happens to read it ahead of time.

See, my husband and I are proud foster parents for a local animal shelter. There are a lot of cats that come in and out of our home, and I love each and every one of them. Don't get me wrong, I adore my dogs too, but it's not fair to them to deal with other animals when they don't even like each other. So, we've restricted ourselves to cats only. Which is perfectly fine with me, cats are easier to deal with on the whole. We had kittens, but we've asked to remain a senior cat/special needs cat haven. I'd love to one day open my very own all breed, all animal rescue, but that's a long way off and something that may never happen.

We had a litter of 3 stray kittens that came to us in July of 2012. A week later, we got a little of 7, which made for 10 kittens total. It was a long 4 months, but we've adopted all but 2 out so far and I'd call that a success. They went from barely having their eyes open and having to be bottle fed, to healthy happy kittens that have found (hopefully) forever homes. It looks like we might have a few more fosters on their way to our house and we're very happy to have them.

Anyhow, here's the new blog should anyone care to see a ton of cat pictures, pictures of my husband, and pictures of my incredibly non-dramatic, yet perfectly fitting life.

http://thepoplinranch.blogspot.com/

I've been in a funk lately.

A big ol' stinky funk. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a disassociated version of my former self. I don't get the same enjoyment out of things I used to love. I don't enjoy things that used to make me happy. Even old standbys like terrible chick flicks and romance movies don't work. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it just doesn't feel so good. The hubs notices, but clearly doesn't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone else about it because they're so consumed by their own little world that they can't see that something is wrong. And truth be told, they probably don't care either. Some people are just so damn selfish, I wonder why I even bother keeping contact with them. Oh yeah, they're family.

We're supposed to be moving this weekend, something I've been looking forward to since February, but instead the whole experienced has been ruined because someone close to me can't even bother to be happy about it. She constantly makes me feel like whatever decision we make, is the wrong decision, and she refuses to even put on a fake face and pretend to be happy for us. I can't wait until the day I don't have to go to her house every single time she asks.

For awhile, G and I seriously considered a move out of state, away from everything that only serves to bring us down. While probably not the best decision, it is something we both want. Maybe moving about an hour away will be enough to put that barrier there that we have our own separate lives. We're both adults, and we're going to do as we damn well please.


I'm so ready for all this to be over with. I'm tired of having my feelings ignored, my opinions shot down, and feeling like no matter what I want it's wrong and I'll never have it. I sort of feel like I'm screaming in space.

Tis another sad day in paradise.

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I just haven't really felt like putting things out there, or vocalizing whatever problems I may be having I suppose I don't feel like anyone really cares how I feel.

I've been pushing away whatever friends I thought I had simply because I'm starting to realize that they aren't really worth it. I try and try and try to be a great friend to people and it always backfires. I volunteer my family to help move someone into a new home and then I don't see or even talk to that someone for months on end. I do everything in my power to be in another friends life, and I constantly get cancelled on, walked over, and used for babysitting. I'm not even sure why I call these people my friends! Another is going through some spiritual things, and while I'm happy for her, I'm not on the same page and I feel as though she's the one pushing me away. Gerald and I aren't "believers" but we're not hate spewing anti-religion folks. We generally avoid the conversation with people as we believe that religion shouldn't be the only basis for friendship. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, no matter what the are.

While pushing those people away, I've also been feeling like my own family is pushing me away. For years my mom complained about how my brother never wanted to come over, or couldn't, or what have you. Yet, she never really made the effort. She only invited him over for holidays, but never just a "hey come over on tuesday lets go to lunch" type thing. Well now the same thing is happening to me. Can't say I'm surprised, really. I'm always expected to come over to her house. No matter what the reason or occasion, I'm always expected to be over there. And to be over there for hours at a time!

I find it hard to stay over there when if the tables were turned, she can't be bothered to stay at my house for more than an hour. And she only comes over when food is involved. Food that she doesn't eat because she thinks she's huge and refuses to acknowledge that starving yourself will only result in you getting larger. When preparing for my wedding last year, we had to do every single project at her house. We did one at my house and only because I begged for weeks about it. I don't understand what her problem is! I've never once told her she couldn't come over. She's changed, and I guess that's just something I'll have to cope with. She never acts as if she wants to be around me, regardless of the circumstances. She says she misses me, but I live a whooping 6 miles away. I'm not buying it. It makes me feel like maybe Gerald and I should have stayed in Oklahoma. We'd be dirt poor, but at least I'd have an excuse not to go over there and waste my days away other than "I don't want to."

Over the past two months, G and I have been trying really hard to find and purchase a home. We found one, but it turned out it wasn't eligible for our loan (which has certain restrictions) and in order to buy that house, we would have had to restructure the loan .. but if we did that, there would be no reason to buy in that area. Make sense? Probably not. Basically we can buy in certain area with benefits. The down side is that there are restrictions. Anyhow, we found another, but it was a short sale. We put in our offer on Feb 7th, but here it is 3/15 and we still don't know anything. I know that short sales take a really long time, and although we're told to expect and answer this week, I'm fairly certain that day will never come. Even if they answer, I'm sure it's a no. So last week we found the absolute perfect house ... but ultimately we were outbid. I want to blame our realtor for that, but that's not fair. He didn't disclose that there were other offers on the property, and it's likely that there weren't when we submitted the offer. I feel very let down, but I realize this happens and we'll eventually find something else. Eventually. I'm starting to think that it will never happen and we'll waste away in this shitty duplex that's only getting worse the longer we live here. Sure, it's fine and it gets the job done, but it's not a place to live long-term.

Anyhow, during this whole process my mom has done nothing but ignore the situation. I'll bring it up and she'll stop listening and walk away. If I was to say anything to her about it, she'd blow up, get her feelings hurt, and cry for days playing the victim. Well I'm tired of it. I'm going to stop telling her things and ultimately do exactly like my brother and his wife did. She'll be left to sit and talk about about us and feel sorry for herself, but she did it to herself. I can't keep trying to keep that relationship there if I'm the only one doing anything.

In other news, our home has become a safe haven for disabled animals. We took in a senior cat a few months back. She is 8 years old, missing teeth, malnourished, can't meow, chronic sensitive tummy, and has asthma. She's a lover, but now that makes two special needs cats. I also took in a special needs blind puppy. A six year old chihuahua mix. This is only temporary as I've already found a home for him. We have two large chows and while they do really good with the little blind guy, they play a little too rough with him. Orson (our 3 yrd old chow) follows George (the blind chihuahua) around the back yard and frequently checks on him. Lylah (our 8 yr old chow) shuffles him inside when it's time for bed. They've really taken a liking to him. G wasn't so happy about it, but he'll live. Once George has finished his rehab which includes healing a broken limb, having a few stitches removed next week, and another round of antibiotics, he'll be off to his new home.

I'd love to become a foster parent for an animal shelter, but I can't do that until we own a home. And even then I'm not sure the hubs would go for it. Does it really matter what he thinks? Naw.

We're coming up on our one year anniversary. We decided on no gifts for each other, but with the likelihood of home buying slowly slipping through our grasp, maybe we should spend all our savings and go on a nice trip somewhere especially since we didn't get to have a honeymoon. I sort of feel like we're the worst married couple ever.

Til next time.

New Year . new me?

The new year seems to be everyone's favorite time to re-invent themselves. G and I sort of decided to do that in November. It was long over due that we turned into one entity rather than G and K, and it was about damn time other people started taking us seriously.

I've been struggling with how to approach this when it comes to the rest of our families. G and I want to have our own traditions, our own life, and our very own family ... even if that family never expands beyond him and the pets. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel like they are more important to us than our fur family. And sure, we love our families ... but our pets depend on us. We chose to take on the responsibility of the horde, and because of that, they tend to come first.

I also feel that holidays have become slightly one-sided. We are always having to go somewhere for [insert holiday here]. I know our home isn't big enough to host more than one or two people, but it'd be nice to just stay home.

I struggled this past Christmas to try and create new traditions that are special for just us, but my plans sort of flopped. It seems that it's really only me trying with G just trailing behind barely paying attention. When things like this happen, it makes me feel like it's time we cut all ties. Even if I know that's not a solution, it sure does sound pretty damn nice. It's like I just can't win no matter what I do!

Oh well. Here's to another year down the drain ...

Another sleepless night.

I used to have this whole list of things I felt like I was missing. A better car, a better home, better furniture, better baking skills, better clothes, etc. Turns out I'm not really missing those things, those are just things I'd like to have. I am, however, missing one thing. And that one thing is somewhat unidentifiable. The best I can explain, is its the one thing that would make me feel good about myself.

Sure, I can make myself feel good but that comes off as arrogance and I already have enough people in my life that think I'm a horrible, harsh, arrogant bitch. So that won't work. I could find a friend that would feed me all kinds of fake compliments but those are just empty gestures and I already have a friend like that, if you want to call her a friend.

You're significant other supposed to be your support network, but that's been difficult for me since I married an emotionally unavailable man. I knew this going in to the relationship, and I never hoped to change it. I sort of just hoped I could deal with it. Turns out it's more difficult than I imagined. I don't feel like I have the support and motivation that I feel I need. Even if it is there, he certainly doesn't know how to show it. And just forget about me bringing it up to anyone outside of the anonymous internet! I've never experienced so many pushy people who feel the need to tell me how to "fix" my marriage. My marriage isn't broken. There's nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband, on the other hand, needs some help in the spousal support arena. I wouldn't even call it needing help .. more like coaching.

Why don't we just go ahead and jump into this unnecessary judgmental drama from my family? One side of our family hasn't figured out how to treat us like adults. They assume that since we don't have children, we can just do whatever we like. Well we do have children. They're called pets and whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, they come before any stupid family gathering. The other side of the family is so aloof it's like they don't want anything to do with us. I try to include them in my life, and I'm constantly made to feel like it's a chore to be around me. Plans are never kept, and yet I'm expected to show up with bells on whenever they feel like it. I can't talk to any of the family about any issues, because then it becomes a giant ball of judgement hurling towards me and I'm left standing in the field without a bat.

Part of me wants to tell everyone in my family to just leave my husband and I alone, but the other part wants to be included and loved and not talked about behind our backs. Which I realize happens anyway since both our extended families enjoy the gossip.

I'm constantly made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. We live in a suburban rental neighborhood. Mostly white folks, around our age, with kids, workin to pay the rent. They are hooligans, they aren't thugs. They aren't disruptive people. Sure, the family that shares a duplex with us does everything they can think of to get on my last nerve, but we're never in any harm. I don't feel uncomfortable walking the dogs at night. I usually don't since they're both solid black and hard to spot, but when I have in the past, I'm not scared. I'm not terrified to walk a block to the donut shop or the gas station. We can leave things outside and they won't get messed with. The kids on the street tend to stay away from our home, so all in all we don't have anything to worry about. Yet certain members of my family think our neighborhood is trailer trash, and on several occasions called it the "hood." It's far from any hood I've ever seen. And it's pretty disrespectful. Sure, I don't like it either, but calling the place trailer trash is just uncalled for.

As mush as I'd like to be, Gerald and I are just not in a place to buy our own home yet. We're working on credit issues, he's getting established at a new job, we're paying off a new truck, and we're not really in any hurry. Honestly, if we rent for the rest of our lives so be it. It doesn't bother me whether my money goes to a rental company or a mortgage company.

I suppose my point in that whole rant is that I'm tired of being made to feel like whatever I have or do isn't good enough for someone else to pay attention to.

Oh well. I think I'm about done for the night. Sigh.

The UNpopular Opinion

I don't have a good relationship with my biological father. Actually, I don't have a relationship at all with him. I can't even pinpoint the last time I spoke to him. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, I have a great step-father, and a great family. But sometimes I just wish I had that father-daughter bond that most people get to have. I feel like I have to not like him because of all the horrible things he's done to me and the rest of my family. I feel like that's the only option. I either accept the way things are now and never think of it again, or I forgive him and fake a relationship. I don't really care for either of those choices. I feel as though he's the one that actually needs to forgive and make an effort. That won't ever happen so that leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so lost, I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling lonely, I sit in my "office" and listen to Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band. I pretend that a relationship is there, that I'm not completely useless, and that I wasn't kicked to the curb by my biological father.

I am an crazy animal lover.

I own this title. I save nearly all animals that have crossed my path in some form or another. If I save an animal, or capture a stray, I don't always keep them. I find homes for them and at least the option of a better life. I cannot stop myself. I have pulled over the the side of freeways to catch dogs, cats, turtles. I run down the street barefoot and in the middle of a hail storm to save two dogs that are clearly inside dogs and out of their mind. I make my husband pull the car over no matter where we are to help something.

I have two dogs, and three cats of my very own. I love each and every one of them more than my own life. When the husband and I moved in together, it started with two cats, and a dog that at the time lived at my mothers house. When we moved to Texas, we were a perfectly happy little family, two cats and one dog. Then a friend passed along an email about a dog that someone needed to re-home for one reason or another. I passed my phone number and address along and told them that I would be happy to bring this pup into our home given that Lylah (our 7 yr old chow chow) approved. Afterall, she was there first, and if she wasn't going to tolerate another dog, then I just wouldn't get to keep him. Anyhow, they bring this gorgeous then 2 yr black chow chow over to our house, and while I had some reservations at first since Lylah had never lived with another dog (she'd been around them, though) let alone another chow, I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Obviously things went well and our family grew by 50 lbs that day. He's been a great part of the family, if only he'd calm down a little bit, heh.

My husband would not let me go to PetsMart alone because he knew that if we only had 60$ in the bank account, that I would spend every dime on the animals up for adoption there. My heart breaks seeing animals in cages. We already had a 9 yr old declawed senior cat, and a 2 yr old ornery fat ass cat, what did we need another mouth to feed for? Because I am insane.

Well, there was a polydactyl (extra toes) kitty at PetsMart one week that I just absolutely fell head over heels for. The husband told me a week or so later, that if the cat was still there, we could get it. See, he's an animal lover too, he just refuses to admit it. So we both went to PetsMart and there was this multi-toed kitty just staring at me and begging me to take them home. But in the cage next door there was a new addition. An 8 yr old, toothless, overweight, ball of joy. My heart goes out to senior cats. People and families, generally speaking, do not want to adopt an adult, let alone senior cat. They want the kittens, and with good reason. Kittens are damn adorable. But me, I can't help it. Older cats need love too, and I'm here to give that to them. So I told my husband that I wanted her. I wanted to give her the best live we possibly good, and when we took her out of the cage she was glued to me. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to see the clerk, she saw the sucker that was standing right in front of her and she turned on the charm. After I held her there was no saying no. I would have overdrawn the bank account if it had come to that. But it didn't come to that. We adopted her and brought her home and that's all she wrote.

But there was another part to that story that we weren't aware of when we brought her home. This cat had more serious health issues that we were lead to believe. We received her paperwork when we adopted her, and her known history (which wasn't much). But supposedly she was checked out by a vet and everything was fine. Well that's not exactly the case. She's blind in one eye, and likely going blind in the other. She doesn't seem to have the best hearing. She can't walk all that well, which could be from old age, from whenever she was declawed, or from her weight. But it's getting worse. She doesn't jump unless absolutely necessary. But the part that really worries me and breaks my heart - She has seizures. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Our vet said we can do medication, but it is unlikely to affect or suppress the seizures. I fear that she might have a brain tumor causing the eye sight loss, the walking, and the seizures. That seems like an easy answer to all of her problems, but also a likely one.

Even with all of her health issues, and her age ... I am absolutely in love with her. She is the sweetest cat in the world. She loves me and only me. And I baby her. I try to keep her comfortable, keep her from falling off of things since her depth perception is off. I literally do everything for this cat. And tonight, he was holding my hand while sleeping in my lap and I couldn't ask for anything more. I adore all of my animals, but the love from a special needs cat that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am trying to help her is the greatest feeling in the world.

People can hate me and disappoint me all my life, but my pets will always be there for me and will always love me. I love you so much Bella, Lenny, Heidi, Lylah and Orson!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A giant bag of nerves.

A big giant bag of nerves and anxiety. That's all I am lately. I don't even really know how to explain it, either. I just wish it would go away. I wish that I could sleep, but I hardly ever do. Last week I think I got a whopping 12 hours total. 12 measly hours for 7 days! It just sucks. Sleeping pills don't help, Advil, Aleeve, painkillers don't help. My hip still hurts everyday and there's no amount of drugs that make it feel better.

I think I need a massage. I've never had one, but I'm starting to consider it. Maybe it'll be a birthday gift to myself?

Frustration doesn't even begin to explain the way I feel right now.

Everyday I log on here to make a post, and everyday I end up deleting it. It seems all I ever do is complain. But it's really not that. It's more of a venting mechanism I suppose. See, I'm one of those people that is fighting a daily fight because she married the most stubborn, bull-headed person in the world. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty much the same way, so we end up in a lot of stupid meaningless frustrating tiffs. I wouldn't even call them arguments. It's not a bad thing, its just more of the way we do things. We've always been this way. I ask for something, he forgets, I ask again, he forgets again. I ask one more time, and he forgets again so then I start demanding, and that's about the time that someone else sees part of it and I end up being a demanding, uncaring, hard to live with bitch. But did they see the other three times I asked him to do something as simple as hanging a shelf?

Sure, I could hang it myself. I could do everything myself. And lets say that I did, and we never had a scuffle, and he never ended up doing anything. And then for whatever reason I wasn't around anymore. Either in old age and I've long passed, or I'm just away for the weekend. What would he be capable of doing? He wouldn't know that the washer has to be angled a certain way on the tile to keep it from walking into the kitchen, or that the front door has to be deadbolted to keep it shut. Or that the cat's litterboxes have to be cleaned daily or they'll start finding new places to do their business aka his shoes. He wouldn't know how to clean them. And it's not that my husband is stupid. He lived on his own for a really long time. However, if I take responsibility away, then he won't do simple having living things such as dishes, taking out the trash and so on.

I don't ask that much of him. He works long hours in hot demanding conditions, but he's perfectly capable of taking the trash out every other day, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, and folding his own clothes.

My point is, I fear people are passing judgement (even though it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks) on me and the way we as a couple handle everyday situations simply because they only see one smidgen of the whole story. We all do it to a point. My family happens to believe that I'm absolutely terrible and far too demanding of G, when in fact I'm really not. Yes, I yell at him from time to time, but not because I haven't got a reason, but because I've been telling him the same thing for weeks and it never got trough his thick skull.

I'd be lying if I said everything outside of our marriage was peachy keen. There's a ton of external stress weighing on me right now and being that I don't really have anyone to talk to it's taking a far worse toll on me than it probably should. I've only slept one night this entire week. My house is squeaky clean, though. I wish this stress would go away. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but my hope is that through all of this there is light at the end of the tunnel. The blow ups and arguments are just the tip of the iceberg and at the end of the day I know that Gerald loves me unconditionally even if no one else does. And I just need to keep remembering that.

Hopefully this week will bring a lot of change to our lives and the silver lining through all of this will shine through. But if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. It'll just feel like it.

Summer blues

I wish I knew how to put into words exactly how I'm feeling lately but I just can't seem to find the right ones. I wouldn't call it depressed, but I wouldn't call it happy either. It's sort of numb, I suppose. Defeated maybe? I'm not sure. All I know is that something isn't right, and I gotta figure that out. Easier said than done, right?

I don't even know how to explain what's wrong. It's not like anyone actually cares what's wrong anyway, but it feels like I'm all pity party about nothing. That's not the case, and this blog entry is just starting to be dumb. So I guess I'll go mope on another corner of the internet.

Day 18: Write a letter to your followers

Dear followers:

Thanks for reading!

-K

Day 17: Last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?

Day 16: A picture of your cellphone/iPod/camera. ** Or altogether!

Day 15: Create an outfit at http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/app and printscreen it!

This one is dumb, but this is almost exactly what I wore a few days ago when it was really chilly outside.

Day 14: A silly picture of you/ you & your friends

Again with the friends ... but here's a funny photo of Gerald and I.

Day 13: A picture of what you wore today

No picture, but I wore gross cut-off sweats and an old wife-beater tank since I needed to work out in the yard.

Day 12: What got you into this challenge?

I saw it on tumblr and I needed to make my regular blog more active. So, here we are.

Day 11: Write a letter to your loved one (ex. crush, boyfriend etc.)

Dear Aunt Tonie,

I miss you very very much. Next week is the 5 yr anniversary since you've passed. It won't be easy. I wish you could have met my husband, Gerald. You would have loved him.

Love,

K

Day 10: Write the differences between you and your best friend

The difference would be that I exist, and my best friend doesn't. I know I know, sounds super emo. But let's be realistic here. I cannot honestly say that I have a best friend. I love my husband and he's "supposed" to be my best friend, but I'm not including him simply because I feel every person should have friends outside of their marriage or relationship. I unfortunately don't. I used to, but we grew apart and went in different directions and now I'm just sort of here.