What's in a friend?

So here's another emo post. I've had far too much wine this evening and though I know I shouldn't be near a computer I'm going to post this anyway.

I've spent far too long trying to be someone I'm not because I thought I'd get a great friend out of the deal. Instead, it's left me near friendless and well, alone. I want so badly to be that best friend to someone. To be that person to another woman who she can count on. Share silly things, serious things, and just be awesome together. I've always made better friends with guys than with gals, and frankly guys don't give a damn about the cute skirt you just found at Target. Or man problems. Maybe that's why I always befriended them. I didn't have those problems or issues until I grew up. Got responsibilities. And now here I am. My best friend is my husband and while I adore him, we both need friends of our own.

He is lucky enough to have great friends from high school. Me, on the other hand, I've got internet friends. The kind of friends that only care about you and your life when they've run out of internets. The kind of friend that just happens to be just as bored as you sitting on the other side of a computer screen.

I was always a little antisocial to begin with. A few years back (try like 7) I started trying really hard to be the person everyone liked. The girl people wanted to hang out with. Turns out I was just a free ride, or a free drink, or whatever it happened to be. I can't stand it any longer.

I see people that I thought were really close friends of mine drop me for the flavor of the month and never look back. It irks me to no end. How is one supposed to end the friendless cycle? How does one go about finding that best friend?

One may never know, it seems.

I'm a married woman now!

So I realize I use this blog to mainly complain about things, and for that I apologize. A woman is allowed to complain and at least I picked a spot that no one else really ever looks at. Although I can't say that my whining will be over with, my wedding related whining is over. I think.

I'm sure I could find something to complain about, but I'm just too exhausted today to even think about it. I'll be back with a full recap sometime later this month.

:heart:

I'm so stinking nervous!

I have some incredibly awesome people coming to visit me in just a week's time. I have so many things to complete and I just don't have the motivation.

I need to clean my house from top to bottom. I have cookies, and treats, and things to bake. I have to go to Oklahoma on Saturday then turn around and come right back to Texas for the bachelorette party.

I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety that I just can't handle it. I should have probably been working slowly on all these things all this week, but have I? No.

I'm such a slacker! I still have to get a few gifts. I still have to write thank yous. Pack for our mini-moon. Pay stupid bills. Clean. Laundry. Clean some more. Cook. Do dishes. Cook again. Clean out the microwave.

Most folks aren't actually going to come over to my house, but I'm sure one or two of them will and I can't have monster animal hair everywhere. I can't have it smelling like dog. I can't have dirty foot prints on the tile. I just can't!

I feel like I'm going insane! I need some housekeeping help!!!

Giant DIY progress.

Anyhow, I had a break down. So many things have gone wrong that I just couldn't handle it anymore. It's amazing how much better you'll feel after you just let everything take over. Sure, I still have my doubts and my feelings are still hurt, but in the end I'll be just fine.

I am absolutely consumed with all things wedding. Final payments, final head counts, final DIY projects.

Speaking of DIY projects, remember how I mentioned we were having a dinosaur wedding? Well it doesn't get much more dinosaur-y than this. My step-dad is building the most awesome 9 and a half ft tall dinosaur to use as a prop and to be honest, it's pretty much all we've got in the way of decorations.

We need one more coat of paint, the addition of a vest, monocle, top hat and mustache, and the giant Apatosaurus will be complete! I am beyond excited about it. He's currently strapped to the ground because we've been having a bit of wind lately and he fell over a few weeks back. Broke his hip and fractured his shoulder. It was terrible.

17 days left. 17!

Some fools fool themselves I guess

Oddly enough, Nazareth sums it up pretty good.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not having a great couple of months. And it shows. It shows with the blemishes on my face, the sourness of my attitude, the lack of energy, and overall apathetic outlook on my future. I thought wedding planning was supposed to be fun? Or at least enjoyable? Not in this case. I feel like I'm on a bad episode of Bridezillas and I'm not allowed to say how I feel. I guess it wouldn't be a problem if I had some outlet .. which is where you come in to play Blogspot.

I feel like I can't say anything negative about any sort of aspect concerning this wedding. If I say I don't much care for one thing or I'd rather have this then I hurt someone's feelings and they take it entirely too personal. If I don't jump up and down because of something they've done for me then I'm the bad guy. Explaining something once isn't enough apparently and if I happen to mention that I've already explained it before then I'm a bitch. What gives? Aren't I supposed to be the one with the bad attitude?

I try my best not to let it bother me, but having nothing better to do with my time it does bother me. It bothers me to the point of a silly screaming match. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve some of this unnecessary stress from retail therapy, stress relief candles, massages, spa outings to cheesecake and brownies for dinner. I am at a point where I honestly don't know where to go from here.

If I go down road A, then I'm a spineless weasel that settled just to please everyone. If I turn and go down road B, then I alienate my future family by being a selfish bitch. What are you supposed to do now?

What about when the bride starts feeling like maybe the wedding dress she picked out isn't exactly the one she wanted? Yeah, I said it. I've been holding it in for a few months now to try to convince myself that it's only a dress and in the end it doesn't really matter ... but it kinda does. I look at photos and it's not a terribly flattering dress on me. It's not the one that I loved when I first put it on and I feel like I was coerced into getting it because it fit all the categories except what should have been the most important. It fit the price range. It didn't need any alterations. We didn't have to wait six months from a manufacturer to get it, we could take it home off the rack. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't the one I loved. I never got the wow factor reaction that I so desperately wanted, and that's totally the fault of TLC and Say Yes to the Dress. Even when I show off the bridal portraits I had done, the only reactions I get are "That's such a cute idea!" and "OMG! You were on a horse?!" not "Wow you look beautiful!" Maybe that's where all this comes from. The bride is supposed to be gorgeous. Even if maybe, she's not the most lovely woman on the block. I'm terrified of the thought that my future husband doesn't think I'm pretty in it. I feel like I got cheated or that I never got the chance to feel out all the options available to me. Oh and heaven forbid I mention any of this to my family. They'd give me that look that just says disappointment and I'd feel even worse about the whole thing.

I guess it's another one of those things you just have to let go.