The UNpopular Opinion

I don't have a good relationship with my biological father. Actually, I don't have a relationship at all with him. I can't even pinpoint the last time I spoke to him. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, I have a great step-father, and a great family. But sometimes I just wish I had that father-daughter bond that most people get to have. I feel like I have to not like him because of all the horrible things he's done to me and the rest of my family. I feel like that's the only option. I either accept the way things are now and never think of it again, or I forgive him and fake a relationship. I don't really care for either of those choices. I feel as though he's the one that actually needs to forgive and make an effort. That won't ever happen so that leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so lost, I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling lonely, I sit in my "office" and listen to Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band. I pretend that a relationship is there, that I'm not completely useless, and that I wasn't kicked to the curb by my biological father.

I am an crazy animal lover.

I own this title. I save nearly all animals that have crossed my path in some form or another. If I save an animal, or capture a stray, I don't always keep them. I find homes for them and at least the option of a better life. I cannot stop myself. I have pulled over the the side of freeways to catch dogs, cats, turtles. I run down the street barefoot and in the middle of a hail storm to save two dogs that are clearly inside dogs and out of their mind. I make my husband pull the car over no matter where we are to help something.

I have two dogs, and three cats of my very own. I love each and every one of them more than my own life. When the husband and I moved in together, it started with two cats, and a dog that at the time lived at my mothers house. When we moved to Texas, we were a perfectly happy little family, two cats and one dog. Then a friend passed along an email about a dog that someone needed to re-home for one reason or another. I passed my phone number and address along and told them that I would be happy to bring this pup into our home given that Lylah (our 7 yr old chow chow) approved. Afterall, she was there first, and if she wasn't going to tolerate another dog, then I just wouldn't get to keep him. Anyhow, they bring this gorgeous then 2 yr black chow chow over to our house, and while I had some reservations at first since Lylah had never lived with another dog (she'd been around them, though) let alone another chow, I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Obviously things went well and our family grew by 50 lbs that day. He's been a great part of the family, if only he'd calm down a little bit, heh.

My husband would not let me go to PetsMart alone because he knew that if we only had 60$ in the bank account, that I would spend every dime on the animals up for adoption there. My heart breaks seeing animals in cages. We already had a 9 yr old declawed senior cat, and a 2 yr old ornery fat ass cat, what did we need another mouth to feed for? Because I am insane.

Well, there was a polydactyl (extra toes) kitty at PetsMart one week that I just absolutely fell head over heels for. The husband told me a week or so later, that if the cat was still there, we could get it. See, he's an animal lover too, he just refuses to admit it. So we both went to PetsMart and there was this multi-toed kitty just staring at me and begging me to take them home. But in the cage next door there was a new addition. An 8 yr old, toothless, overweight, ball of joy. My heart goes out to senior cats. People and families, generally speaking, do not want to adopt an adult, let alone senior cat. They want the kittens, and with good reason. Kittens are damn adorable. But me, I can't help it. Older cats need love too, and I'm here to give that to them. So I told my husband that I wanted her. I wanted to give her the best live we possibly good, and when we took her out of the cage she was glued to me. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to see the clerk, she saw the sucker that was standing right in front of her and she turned on the charm. After I held her there was no saying no. I would have overdrawn the bank account if it had come to that. But it didn't come to that. We adopted her and brought her home and that's all she wrote.

But there was another part to that story that we weren't aware of when we brought her home. This cat had more serious health issues that we were lead to believe. We received her paperwork when we adopted her, and her known history (which wasn't much). But supposedly she was checked out by a vet and everything was fine. Well that's not exactly the case. She's blind in one eye, and likely going blind in the other. She doesn't seem to have the best hearing. She can't walk all that well, which could be from old age, from whenever she was declawed, or from her weight. But it's getting worse. She doesn't jump unless absolutely necessary. But the part that really worries me and breaks my heart - She has seizures. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Our vet said we can do medication, but it is unlikely to affect or suppress the seizures. I fear that she might have a brain tumor causing the eye sight loss, the walking, and the seizures. That seems like an easy answer to all of her problems, but also a likely one.

Even with all of her health issues, and her age ... I am absolutely in love with her. She is the sweetest cat in the world. She loves me and only me. And I baby her. I try to keep her comfortable, keep her from falling off of things since her depth perception is off. I literally do everything for this cat. And tonight, he was holding my hand while sleeping in my lap and I couldn't ask for anything more. I adore all of my animals, but the love from a special needs cat that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am trying to help her is the greatest feeling in the world.

People can hate me and disappoint me all my life, but my pets will always be there for me and will always love me. I love you so much Bella, Lenny, Heidi, Lylah and Orson!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A giant bag of nerves.

A big giant bag of nerves and anxiety. That's all I am lately. I don't even really know how to explain it, either. I just wish it would go away. I wish that I could sleep, but I hardly ever do. Last week I think I got a whopping 12 hours total. 12 measly hours for 7 days! It just sucks. Sleeping pills don't help, Advil, Aleeve, painkillers don't help. My hip still hurts everyday and there's no amount of drugs that make it feel better.

I think I need a massage. I've never had one, but I'm starting to consider it. Maybe it'll be a birthday gift to myself?

Frustration doesn't even begin to explain the way I feel right now.

Everyday I log on here to make a post, and everyday I end up deleting it. It seems all I ever do is complain. But it's really not that. It's more of a venting mechanism I suppose. See, I'm one of those people that is fighting a daily fight because she married the most stubborn, bull-headed person in the world. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty much the same way, so we end up in a lot of stupid meaningless frustrating tiffs. I wouldn't even call them arguments. It's not a bad thing, its just more of the way we do things. We've always been this way. I ask for something, he forgets, I ask again, he forgets again. I ask one more time, and he forgets again so then I start demanding, and that's about the time that someone else sees part of it and I end up being a demanding, uncaring, hard to live with bitch. But did they see the other three times I asked him to do something as simple as hanging a shelf?

Sure, I could hang it myself. I could do everything myself. And lets say that I did, and we never had a scuffle, and he never ended up doing anything. And then for whatever reason I wasn't around anymore. Either in old age and I've long passed, or I'm just away for the weekend. What would he be capable of doing? He wouldn't know that the washer has to be angled a certain way on the tile to keep it from walking into the kitchen, or that the front door has to be deadbolted to keep it shut. Or that the cat's litterboxes have to be cleaned daily or they'll start finding new places to do their business aka his shoes. He wouldn't know how to clean them. And it's not that my husband is stupid. He lived on his own for a really long time. However, if I take responsibility away, then he won't do simple having living things such as dishes, taking out the trash and so on.

I don't ask that much of him. He works long hours in hot demanding conditions, but he's perfectly capable of taking the trash out every other day, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, and folding his own clothes.

My point is, I fear people are passing judgement (even though it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks) on me and the way we as a couple handle everyday situations simply because they only see one smidgen of the whole story. We all do it to a point. My family happens to believe that I'm absolutely terrible and far too demanding of G, when in fact I'm really not. Yes, I yell at him from time to time, but not because I haven't got a reason, but because I've been telling him the same thing for weeks and it never got trough his thick skull.

I'd be lying if I said everything outside of our marriage was peachy keen. There's a ton of external stress weighing on me right now and being that I don't really have anyone to talk to it's taking a far worse toll on me than it probably should. I've only slept one night this entire week. My house is squeaky clean, though. I wish this stress would go away. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but my hope is that through all of this there is light at the end of the tunnel. The blow ups and arguments are just the tip of the iceberg and at the end of the day I know that Gerald loves me unconditionally even if no one else does. And I just need to keep remembering that.

Hopefully this week will bring a lot of change to our lives and the silver lining through all of this will shine through. But if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. It'll just feel like it.