Thursday, December 08, 2011

Another sleepless night.

I used to have this whole list of things I felt like I was missing. A better car, a better home, better furniture, better baking skills, better clothes, etc. Turns out I'm not really missing those things, those are just things I'd like to have. I am, however, missing one thing. And that one thing is somewhat unidentifiable. The best I can explain, is its the one thing that would make me feel good about myself.

Sure, I can make myself feel good but that comes off as arrogance and I already have enough people in my life that think I'm a horrible, harsh, arrogant bitch. So that won't work. I could find a friend that would feed me all kinds of fake compliments but those are just empty gestures and I already have a friend like that, if you want to call her a friend.

You're significant other supposed to be your support network, but that's been difficult for me since I married an emotionally unavailable man. I knew this going in to the relationship, and I never hoped to change it. I sort of just hoped I could deal with it. Turns out it's more difficult than I imagined. I don't feel like I have the support and motivation that I feel I need. Even if it is there, he certainly doesn't know how to show it. And just forget about me bringing it up to anyone outside of the anonymous internet! I've never experienced so many pushy people who feel the need to tell me how to "fix" my marriage. My marriage isn't broken. There's nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband, on the other hand, needs some help in the spousal support arena. I wouldn't even call it needing help .. more like coaching.

Why don't we just go ahead and jump into this unnecessary judgmental drama from my family? One side of our family hasn't figured out how to treat us like adults. They assume that since we don't have children, we can just do whatever we like. Well we do have children. They're called pets and whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, they come before any stupid family gathering. The other side of the family is so aloof it's like they don't want anything to do with us. I try to include them in my life, and I'm constantly made to feel like it's a chore to be around me. Plans are never kept, and yet I'm expected to show up with bells on whenever they feel like it. I can't talk to any of the family about any issues, because then it becomes a giant ball of judgement hurling towards me and I'm left standing in the field without a bat.
Part of me wants to tell everyone in my family to just leave my husband and I alone, but the other part wants to be included and loved and not talked about behind our backs. Which I realize happens anyway since both our extended families enjoy the gossip.

I'm constantly made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. We live in a suburban rental neighborhood. Mostly white folks, around our age, with kids, workin to pay the rent. They are hooligans, they aren't thugs. They aren't disruptive people. Sure, the family that shares a duplex with us does everything they can think of to get on my last nerve, but we're never in any harm. I don't feel uncomfortable walking the dogs at night. I usually don't since they're both solid black and hard to spot, but when I have in the past, I'm not scared. I'm not terrified to walk a block to the donut shop or the gas station. We can leave things outside and they won't get messed with. The kids on the street tend to stay away from our home, so all in all we don't have anything to worry about. Yet certain members of my family think our neighborhood is trailer trash, and on several occasions called it the "hood." It's far from any hood I've ever seen. And it's pretty disrespectful. Sure, I don't like it either, but calling the place trailer trash is just uncalled for.
As mush as I'd like to be, Gerald and I are just not in a place to buy our own home yet. We're working on credit issues, he's getting established at a new job, we're paying off a new truck, and we're not really in any hurry. Honestly, if we rent for the rest of our lives so be it. It doesn't bother me whether my money goes to a rental company or a mortgage company.
I suppose my point in that whole rant is that I'm tired of being made to feel like whatever I have or do isn't good enough for someone else to pay attention to.

Oh well. I think I'm about done for the night. Sigh.