Thursday, January 03, 2013

I'll be honest here. It's pretty obvious I don't post here often. Part of me wants to post and get all these stupid feelings out, the other part of me just wants to keep my mouth shut and get on with my life.

I grew up a lot in the past year, and while I hope to continue that particular journey, I doubt you'll see much of me out here in the blog-o-sphere.

I am, however, starting a new blog. It's going to be almost exclusively photos. A few years ago, when I moved to Oklahoma I started a Project 365. I didn't finish it with all the moving around that year brought, but I started one once again. It's going to be a lot of pictures of cats, so I'll warn anyone that happens to read it ahead of time.

See, my husband and I are proud foster parents for a local animal shelter. There are a lot of cats that come in and out of our home, and I love each and every one of them. Don't get me wrong, I adore my dogs too, but it's not fair to them to deal with other animals when they don't even like each other. So, we've restricted ourselves to cats only. Which is perfectly fine with me, cats are easier to deal with on the whole. We had kittens, but we've asked to remain a senior cat/special needs cat haven. I'd love to one day open my very own all breed, all animal rescue, but that's a long way off and something that may never happen.

We had a litter of 3 stray kittens that came to us in July of 2012. A week later, we got a little of 7, which made for 10 kittens total. It was a long 4 months, but we've adopted all but 2 out so far and I'd call that a success. They went from barely having their eyes open and having to be bottle fed, to healthy happy kittens that have found (hopefully) forever homes. It looks like we might have a few more fosters on their way to our house and we're very happy to have them.

Anyhow, here's the new blog should anyone care to see a ton of cat pictures, pictures of my husband, and pictures of my incredibly non-dramatic, yet perfectly fitting life.

Monday, June 11, 2012

I've been in a funk lately.

A big ol' stinky funk. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like a disassociated version of my former self. I don't get the same enjoyment out of things I used to love. I don't enjoy things that used to make me happy. Even old standbys like terrible chick flicks and romance movies don't work. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it just doesn't feel so good. The hubs notices, but clearly doesn't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone else about it because they're so consumed by their own little world that they can't see that something is wrong. And truth be told, they probably don't care either. Some people are just so damn selfish, I wonder why I even bother keeping contact with them. Oh yeah, they're family.

We're supposed to be moving this weekend, something I've been looking forward to since February, but instead the whole experienced has been ruined because someone close to me can't even bother to be happy about it. She constantly makes me feel like whatever decision we make, is the wrong decision, and she refuses to even put on a fake face and pretend to be happy for us. I can't wait until the day I don't have to go to her house every single time she asks.

For awhile, G and I seriously considered a move out of state, away from everything that only serves to bring us down. While probably not the best decision, it is something we both want. Maybe moving about an hour away will be enough to put that barrier there that we have our own separate lives. We're both adults, and we're going to do as we damn well please.

I'm so ready for all this to be over with. I'm tired of having my feelings ignored, my opinions shot down, and feeling like no matter what I want it's wrong and I'll never have it. I sort of feel like I'm screaming in space.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Tis another sad day in paradise.

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I just haven't really felt like putting things out there, or vocalizing whatever problems I may be having I suppose I don't feel like anyone really cares how I feel.

I've been pushing away whatever friends I thought I had simply because I'm starting to realize that they aren't really worth it. I try and try and try to be a great friend to people and it always backfires. I volunteer my family to help move someone into a new home and then I don't see or even talk to that someone for months on end. I do everything in my power to be in another friends life, and I constantly get cancelled on, walked over, and used for babysitting. I'm not even sure why I call these people my friends! Another is going through some spiritual things, and while I'm happy for her, I'm not on the same page and I feel as though she's the one pushing me away. Gerald and I aren't "believers" but we're not hate spewing anti-religion folks. We generally avoid the conversation with people as we believe that religion shouldn't be the only basis for friendship. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, no matter what the are.

While pushing those people away, I've also been feeling like my own family is pushing me away. For years my mom complained about how my brother never wanted to come over, or couldn't, or what have you. Yet, she never really made the effort. She only invited him over for holidays, but never just a "hey come over on tuesday lets go to lunch" type thing. Well now the same thing is happening to me. Can't say I'm surprised, really. I'm always expected to come over to her house. No matter what the reason or occasion, I'm always expected to be over there. And to be over there for hours at a time!
I find it hard to stay over there when if the tables were turned, she can't be bothered to stay at my house for more than an hour. And she only comes over when food is involved. Food that she doesn't eat because she thinks she's huge and refuses to acknowledge that starving yourself will only result in you getting larger. When preparing for my wedding last year, we had to do every single project at her house. We did one at my house and only because I begged for weeks about it. I don't understand what her problem is! I've never once told her she couldn't come over. She's changed, and I guess that's just something I'll have to cope with. She never acts as if she wants to be around me, regardless of the circumstances. She says she misses me, but I live a whooping 6 miles away. I'm not buying it. It makes me feel like maybe Gerald and I should have stayed in Oklahoma. We'd be dirt poor, but at least I'd have an excuse not to go over there and waste my days away other than "I don't want to."

Over the past two months, G and I have been trying really hard to find and purchase a home. We found one, but it turned out it wasn't eligible for our loan (which has certain restrictions) and in order to buy that house, we would have had to restructure the loan .. but if we did that, there would be no reason to buy in that area. Make sense? Probably not. Basically we can buy in certain area with benefits. The down side is that there are restrictions. Anyhow, we found another, but it was a short sale. We put in our offer on Feb 7th, but here it is 3/15 and we still don't know anything. I know that short sales take a really long time, and although we're told to expect and answer this week, I'm fairly certain that day will never come. Even if they answer, I'm sure it's a no. So last week we found the absolute perfect house ... but ultimately we were outbid. I want to blame our realtor for that, but that's not fair. He didn't disclose that there were other offers on the property, and it's likely that there weren't when we submitted the offer. I feel very let down, but I realize this happens and we'll eventually find something else. Eventually. I'm starting to think that it will never happen and we'll waste away in this shitty duplex that's only getting worse the longer we live here. Sure, it's fine and it gets the job done, but it's not a place to live long-term.

Anyhow, during this whole process my mom has done nothing but ignore the situation. I'll bring it up and she'll stop listening and walk away. If I was to say anything to her about it, she'd blow up, get her feelings hurt, and cry for days playing the victim. Well I'm tired of it. I'm going to stop telling her things and ultimately do exactly like my brother and his wife did. She'll be left to sit and talk about about us and feel sorry for herself, but she did it to herself. I can't keep trying to keep that relationship there if I'm the only one doing anything.

In other news, our home has become a safe haven for disabled animals. We took in a senior cat a few months back. She is 8 years old, missing teeth, malnourished, can't meow, chronic sensitive tummy, and has asthma. She's a lover, but now that makes two special needs cats. I also took in a special needs blind puppy. A six year old chihuahua mix. This is only temporary as I've already found a home for him. We have two large chows and while they do really good with the little blind guy, they play a little too rough with him. Orson (our 3 yrd old chow) follows George (the blind chihuahua) around the back yard and frequently checks on him. Lylah (our 8 yr old chow) shuffles him inside when it's time for bed. They've really taken a liking to him. G wasn't so happy about it, but he'll live. Once George has finished his rehab which includes healing a broken limb, having a few stitches removed next week, and another round of antibiotics, he'll be off to his new home.

I'd love to become a foster parent for an animal shelter, but I can't do that until we own a home. And even then I'm not sure the hubs would go for it. Does it really matter what he thinks? Naw.

We're coming up on our one year anniversary. We decided on no gifts for each other, but with the likelihood of home buying slowly slipping through our grasp, maybe we should spend all our savings and go on a nice trip somewhere especially since we didn't get to have a honeymoon. I sort of feel like we're the worst married couple ever.

Til next time.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

New Year . new me?

The new year seems to be everyone's favorite time to re-invent themselves. G and I sort of decided to do that in November. It was long over due that we turned into one entity rather than G and K, and it was about damn time other people started taking us seriously.

I've been struggling with how to approach this when it comes to the rest of our families. G and I want to have our own traditions, our own life, and our very own family ... even if that family never expands beyond him and the pets. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel like they are more important to us than our fur family. And sure, we love our families ... but our pets depend on us. We chose to take on the responsibility of the horde, and because of that, they tend to come first.

I also feel that holidays have become slightly one-sided. We are always having to go somewhere for [insert holiday here]. I know our home isn't big enough to host more than one or two people, but it'd be nice to just stay home.

I struggled this past Christmas to try and create new traditions that are special for just us, but my plans sort of flopped. It seems that it's really only me trying with G just trailing behind barely paying attention. When things like this happen, it makes me feel like it's time we cut all ties. Even if I know that's not a solution, it sure does sound pretty damn nice. It's like I just can't win no matter what I do!

Oh well. Here's to another year down the drain ...

Thursday, December 08, 2011

Another sleepless night.

I used to have this whole list of things I felt like I was missing. A better car, a better home, better furniture, better baking skills, better clothes, etc. Turns out I'm not really missing those things, those are just things I'd like to have. I am, however, missing one thing. And that one thing is somewhat unidentifiable. The best I can explain, is its the one thing that would make me feel good about myself.

Sure, I can make myself feel good but that comes off as arrogance and I already have enough people in my life that think I'm a horrible, harsh, arrogant bitch. So that won't work. I could find a friend that would feed me all kinds of fake compliments but those are just empty gestures and I already have a friend like that, if you want to call her a friend.

You're significant other supposed to be your support network, but that's been difficult for me since I married an emotionally unavailable man. I knew this going in to the relationship, and I never hoped to change it. I sort of just hoped I could deal with it. Turns out it's more difficult than I imagined. I don't feel like I have the support and motivation that I feel I need. Even if it is there, he certainly doesn't know how to show it. And just forget about me bringing it up to anyone outside of the anonymous internet! I've never experienced so many pushy people who feel the need to tell me how to "fix" my marriage. My marriage isn't broken. There's nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband, on the other hand, needs some help in the spousal support arena. I wouldn't even call it needing help .. more like coaching.

Why don't we just go ahead and jump into this unnecessary judgmental drama from my family? One side of our family hasn't figured out how to treat us like adults. They assume that since we don't have children, we can just do whatever we like. Well we do have children. They're called pets and whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, they come before any stupid family gathering. The other side of the family is so aloof it's like they don't want anything to do with us. I try to include them in my life, and I'm constantly made to feel like it's a chore to be around me. Plans are never kept, and yet I'm expected to show up with bells on whenever they feel like it. I can't talk to any of the family about any issues, because then it becomes a giant ball of judgement hurling towards me and I'm left standing in the field without a bat.
Part of me wants to tell everyone in my family to just leave my husband and I alone, but the other part wants to be included and loved and not talked about behind our backs. Which I realize happens anyway since both our extended families enjoy the gossip.

I'm constantly made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. We live in a suburban rental neighborhood. Mostly white folks, around our age, with kids, workin to pay the rent. They are hooligans, they aren't thugs. They aren't disruptive people. Sure, the family that shares a duplex with us does everything they can think of to get on my last nerve, but we're never in any harm. I don't feel uncomfortable walking the dogs at night. I usually don't since they're both solid black and hard to spot, but when I have in the past, I'm not scared. I'm not terrified to walk a block to the donut shop or the gas station. We can leave things outside and they won't get messed with. The kids on the street tend to stay away from our home, so all in all we don't have anything to worry about. Yet certain members of my family think our neighborhood is trailer trash, and on several occasions called it the "hood." It's far from any hood I've ever seen. And it's pretty disrespectful. Sure, I don't like it either, but calling the place trailer trash is just uncalled for.
As mush as I'd like to be, Gerald and I are just not in a place to buy our own home yet. We're working on credit issues, he's getting established at a new job, we're paying off a new truck, and we're not really in any hurry. Honestly, if we rent for the rest of our lives so be it. It doesn't bother me whether my money goes to a rental company or a mortgage company.
I suppose my point in that whole rant is that I'm tired of being made to feel like whatever I have or do isn't good enough for someone else to pay attention to.

Oh well. I think I'm about done for the night. Sigh.