Another sleepless night.

I used to have this whole list of things I felt like I was missing. A better car, a better home, better furniture, better baking skills, better clothes, etc. Turns out I'm not really missing those things, those are just things I'd like to have. I am, however, missing one thing. And that one thing is somewhat unidentifiable. The best I can explain, is its the one thing that would make me feel good about myself.

Sure, I can make myself feel good but that comes off as arrogance and I already have enough people in my life that think I'm a horrible, harsh, arrogant bitch. So that won't work. I could find a friend that would feed me all kinds of fake compliments but those are just empty gestures and I already have a friend like that, if you want to call her a friend.

You're significant other supposed to be your support network, but that's been difficult for me since I married an emotionally unavailable man. I knew this going in to the relationship, and I never hoped to change it. I sort of just hoped I could deal with it. Turns out it's more difficult than I imagined. I don't feel like I have the support and motivation that I feel I need. Even if it is there, he certainly doesn't know how to show it. And just forget about me bringing it up to anyone outside of the anonymous internet! I've never experienced so many pushy people who feel the need to tell me how to "fix" my marriage. My marriage isn't broken. There's nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband, on the other hand, needs some help in the spousal support arena. I wouldn't even call it needing help .. more like coaching.

Why don't we just go ahead and jump into this unnecessary judgmental drama from my family? One side of our family hasn't figured out how to treat us like adults. They assume that since we don't have children, we can just do whatever we like. Well we do have children. They're called pets and whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, they come before any stupid family gathering. The other side of the family is so aloof it's like they don't want anything to do with us. I try to include them in my life, and I'm constantly made to feel like it's a chore to be around me. Plans are never kept, and yet I'm expected to show up with bells on whenever they feel like it. I can't talk to any of the family about any issues, because then it becomes a giant ball of judgement hurling towards me and I'm left standing in the field without a bat.

Part of me wants to tell everyone in my family to just leave my husband and I alone, but the other part wants to be included and loved and not talked about behind our backs. Which I realize happens anyway since both our extended families enjoy the gossip.

I'm constantly made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. We live in a suburban rental neighborhood. Mostly white folks, around our age, with kids, workin to pay the rent. They are hooligans, they aren't thugs. They aren't disruptive people. Sure, the family that shares a duplex with us does everything they can think of to get on my last nerve, but we're never in any harm. I don't feel uncomfortable walking the dogs at night. I usually don't since they're both solid black and hard to spot, but when I have in the past, I'm not scared. I'm not terrified to walk a block to the donut shop or the gas station. We can leave things outside and they won't get messed with. The kids on the street tend to stay away from our home, so all in all we don't have anything to worry about. Yet certain members of my family think our neighborhood is trailer trash, and on several occasions called it the "hood." It's far from any hood I've ever seen. And it's pretty disrespectful. Sure, I don't like it either, but calling the place trailer trash is just uncalled for.

As mush as I'd like to be, Gerald and I are just not in a place to buy our own home yet. We're working on credit issues, he's getting established at a new job, we're paying off a new truck, and we're not really in any hurry. Honestly, if we rent for the rest of our lives so be it. It doesn't bother me whether my money goes to a rental company or a mortgage company.

I suppose my point in that whole rant is that I'm tired of being made to feel like whatever I have or do isn't good enough for someone else to pay attention to.

Oh well. I think I'm about done for the night. Sigh.

The UNpopular Opinion

I don't have a good relationship with my biological father. Actually, I don't have a relationship at all with him. I can't even pinpoint the last time I spoke to him. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, I have a great step-father, and a great family. But sometimes I just wish I had that father-daughter bond that most people get to have. I feel like I have to not like him because of all the horrible things he's done to me and the rest of my family. I feel like that's the only option. I either accept the way things are now and never think of it again, or I forgive him and fake a relationship. I don't really care for either of those choices. I feel as though he's the one that actually needs to forgive and make an effort. That won't ever happen so that leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so lost, I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling lonely, I sit in my "office" and listen to Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band. I pretend that a relationship is there, that I'm not completely useless, and that I wasn't kicked to the curb by my biological father.

I am an crazy animal lover.

I own this title. I save nearly all animals that have crossed my path in some form or another. If I save an animal, or capture a stray, I don't always keep them. I find homes for them and at least the option of a better life. I cannot stop myself. I have pulled over the the side of freeways to catch dogs, cats, turtles. I run down the street barefoot and in the middle of a hail storm to save two dogs that are clearly inside dogs and out of their mind. I make my husband pull the car over no matter where we are to help something.

I have two dogs, and three cats of my very own. I love each and every one of them more than my own life. When the husband and I moved in together, it started with two cats, and a dog that at the time lived at my mothers house. When we moved to Texas, we were a perfectly happy little family, two cats and one dog. Then a friend passed along an email about a dog that someone needed to re-home for one reason or another. I passed my phone number and address along and told them that I would be happy to bring this pup into our home given that Lylah (our 7 yr old chow chow) approved. Afterall, she was there first, and if she wasn't going to tolerate another dog, then I just wouldn't get to keep him. Anyhow, they bring this gorgeous then 2 yr black chow chow over to our house, and while I had some reservations at first since Lylah had never lived with another dog (she'd been around them, though) let alone another chow, I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Obviously things went well and our family grew by 50 lbs that day. He's been a great part of the family, if only he'd calm down a little bit, heh.

My husband would not let me go to PetsMart alone because he knew that if we only had 60$ in the bank account, that I would spend every dime on the animals up for adoption there. My heart breaks seeing animals in cages. We already had a 9 yr old declawed senior cat, and a 2 yr old ornery fat ass cat, what did we need another mouth to feed for? Because I am insane.

Well, there was a polydactyl (extra toes) kitty at PetsMart one week that I just absolutely fell head over heels for. The husband told me a week or so later, that if the cat was still there, we could get it. See, he's an animal lover too, he just refuses to admit it. So we both went to PetsMart and there was this multi-toed kitty just staring at me and begging me to take them home. But in the cage next door there was a new addition. An 8 yr old, toothless, overweight, ball of joy. My heart goes out to senior cats. People and families, generally speaking, do not want to adopt an adult, let alone senior cat. They want the kittens, and with good reason. Kittens are damn adorable. But me, I can't help it. Older cats need love too, and I'm here to give that to them. So I told my husband that I wanted her. I wanted to give her the best live we possibly good, and when we took her out of the cage she was glued to me. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to see the clerk, she saw the sucker that was standing right in front of her and she turned on the charm. After I held her there was no saying no. I would have overdrawn the bank account if it had come to that. But it didn't come to that. We adopted her and brought her home and that's all she wrote.

But there was another part to that story that we weren't aware of when we brought her home. This cat had more serious health issues that we were lead to believe. We received her paperwork when we adopted her, and her known history (which wasn't much). But supposedly she was checked out by a vet and everything was fine. Well that's not exactly the case. She's blind in one eye, and likely going blind in the other. She doesn't seem to have the best hearing. She can't walk all that well, which could be from old age, from whenever she was declawed, or from her weight. But it's getting worse. She doesn't jump unless absolutely necessary. But the part that really worries me and breaks my heart - She has seizures. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Our vet said we can do medication, but it is unlikely to affect or suppress the seizures. I fear that she might have a brain tumor causing the eye sight loss, the walking, and the seizures. That seems like an easy answer to all of her problems, but also a likely one.

Even with all of her health issues, and her age ... I am absolutely in love with her. She is the sweetest cat in the world. She loves me and only me. And I baby her. I try to keep her comfortable, keep her from falling off of things since her depth perception is off. I literally do everything for this cat. And tonight, he was holding my hand while sleeping in my lap and I couldn't ask for anything more. I adore all of my animals, but the love from a special needs cat that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am trying to help her is the greatest feeling in the world.

People can hate me and disappoint me all my life, but my pets will always be there for me and will always love me. I love you so much Bella, Lenny, Heidi, Lylah and Orson!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A giant bag of nerves.

A big giant bag of nerves and anxiety. That's all I am lately. I don't even really know how to explain it, either. I just wish it would go away. I wish that I could sleep, but I hardly ever do. Last week I think I got a whopping 12 hours total. 12 measly hours for 7 days! It just sucks. Sleeping pills don't help, Advil, Aleeve, painkillers don't help. My hip still hurts everyday and there's no amount of drugs that make it feel better.

I think I need a massage. I've never had one, but I'm starting to consider it. Maybe it'll be a birthday gift to myself?

Frustration doesn't even begin to explain the way I feel right now.

Everyday I log on here to make a post, and everyday I end up deleting it. It seems all I ever do is complain. But it's really not that. It's more of a venting mechanism I suppose. See, I'm one of those people that is fighting a daily fight because she married the most stubborn, bull-headed person in the world. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty much the same way, so we end up in a lot of stupid meaningless frustrating tiffs. I wouldn't even call them arguments. It's not a bad thing, its just more of the way we do things. We've always been this way. I ask for something, he forgets, I ask again, he forgets again. I ask one more time, and he forgets again so then I start demanding, and that's about the time that someone else sees part of it and I end up being a demanding, uncaring, hard to live with bitch. But did they see the other three times I asked him to do something as simple as hanging a shelf?

Sure, I could hang it myself. I could do everything myself. And lets say that I did, and we never had a scuffle, and he never ended up doing anything. And then for whatever reason I wasn't around anymore. Either in old age and I've long passed, or I'm just away for the weekend. What would he be capable of doing? He wouldn't know that the washer has to be angled a certain way on the tile to keep it from walking into the kitchen, or that the front door has to be deadbolted to keep it shut. Or that the cat's litterboxes have to be cleaned daily or they'll start finding new places to do their business aka his shoes. He wouldn't know how to clean them. And it's not that my husband is stupid. He lived on his own for a really long time. However, if I take responsibility away, then he won't do simple having living things such as dishes, taking out the trash and so on.

I don't ask that much of him. He works long hours in hot demanding conditions, but he's perfectly capable of taking the trash out every other day, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, and folding his own clothes.

My point is, I fear people are passing judgement (even though it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks) on me and the way we as a couple handle everyday situations simply because they only see one smidgen of the whole story. We all do it to a point. My family happens to believe that I'm absolutely terrible and far too demanding of G, when in fact I'm really not. Yes, I yell at him from time to time, but not because I haven't got a reason, but because I've been telling him the same thing for weeks and it never got trough his thick skull.

I'd be lying if I said everything outside of our marriage was peachy keen. There's a ton of external stress weighing on me right now and being that I don't really have anyone to talk to it's taking a far worse toll on me than it probably should. I've only slept one night this entire week. My house is squeaky clean, though. I wish this stress would go away. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but my hope is that through all of this there is light at the end of the tunnel. The blow ups and arguments are just the tip of the iceberg and at the end of the day I know that Gerald loves me unconditionally even if no one else does. And I just need to keep remembering that.

Hopefully this week will bring a lot of change to our lives and the silver lining through all of this will shine through. But if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. It'll just feel like it.

Summer blues

I wish I knew how to put into words exactly how I'm feeling lately but I just can't seem to find the right ones. I wouldn't call it depressed, but I wouldn't call it happy either. It's sort of numb, I suppose. Defeated maybe? I'm not sure. All I know is that something isn't right, and I gotta figure that out. Easier said than done, right?

I don't even know how to explain what's wrong. It's not like anyone actually cares what's wrong anyway, but it feels like I'm all pity party about nothing. That's not the case, and this blog entry is just starting to be dumb. So I guess I'll go mope on another corner of the internet.

Day 18: Write a letter to your followers

Dear followers:

Thanks for reading!

-K

Day 17: Last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?

Day 16: A picture of your cellphone/iPod/camera. ** Or altogether!

Day 15: Create an outfit at http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/app and printscreen it!

This one is dumb, but this is almost exactly what I wore a few days ago when it was really chilly outside.

Day 14: A silly picture of you/ you & your friends

Again with the friends ... but here's a funny photo of Gerald and I.

Day 13: A picture of what you wore today

No picture, but I wore gross cut-off sweats and an old wife-beater tank since I needed to work out in the yard.

Day 12: What got you into this challenge?

I saw it on tumblr and I needed to make my regular blog more active. So, here we are.

Day 11: Write a letter to your loved one (ex. crush, boyfriend etc.)

Dear Aunt Tonie,

I miss you very very much. Next week is the 5 yr anniversary since you've passed. It won't be easy. I wish you could have met my husband, Gerald. You would have loved him.

Love,

K

Day 10: Write the differences between you and your best friend

The difference would be that I exist, and my best friend doesn't. I know I know, sounds super emo. But let's be realistic here. I cannot honestly say that I have a best friend. I love my husband and he's "supposed" to be my best friend, but I'm not including him simply because I feel every person should have friends outside of their marriage or relationship. I unfortunately don't. I used to, but we grew apart and went in different directions and now I'm just sort of here.

Day 9: A picture of you when you were still young. (ex. 2,3,4 etc.)

Day 8: Describe your perfect date

My perfect date would be something fun such as Six Flags or paintball, and then a nice romantic dinner at my favorite restaurant. I'm easy to please.

Day 7: If you were stranded on an Island, who would be with you and which limited 10 items would you two have?

I would have my husband, my dogs, and my cats.

1. Sunscreen

2 Clothing

3 Alcohol

4 Books

5 A boat

6 Shoes

7 Board games

8 cooking utensils

9 Hammock

10 Lounge chairs

Day 6: A picture that makes you happy

This photo makes me happy .. because he is smiling and he never smiles.

Day 5: Someone you would switch lives with for a day and why

I would switch lives with someone who claims to have it all figured out.

Simply to see if they really do have it figured out or if they're just better at acting than I.

Day 4: What was the last movie you watched, write about it

Because I couldn't remember what movie it was, I had to look on GetGlue to find out what the last movie I checked in to was.

Shutter Island on Netflix

I enjoyed it. It was not a scary movie as I originally thought it was going to be, but I suppose it could be categorized as psychological thriller. I can't really say much about it without giving away too much of the plot for anyone who hasn't seen it.

It's not a happy movie, but it played out very well. I can't say that I'm a Leo fan, but his acting was phenomenal in this flick.

The end plays out just like I thought it would, but that's not a mark against the story. The "twist" has been done before in multiple other thrillers that I just sort of expected it. Very well made movie, though. I would recommend it.

Day 3: Your top 10 pet peeves

1. People who complain about things that can be changed, but are not willing to do something about it.
2. Teenage drivers on motorcycles
3. Pretentious individuals
4. Assumptions
5. Dis-respectfulness, especially to elders
6. The unwillingness to see an opinion from a different perspective
7. Credit
8. Internet attention whores
9. Know-it-alls
10. Fake friends

Day 2: Post your favorite song and write why you like it

Oh boy. This is a difficult one. I have so many favorite songs, where do I start?

I was born in the wrong decade. I love 70 and 80's music and really can't stand much of anything past the 90s. I am a rock gal. I love my hair bands, and tight pants, and awesome guitar riffs.

And I like this song because it makes me happy.

Day 1: Write about your best friend

This is a little difficult as I don't hold anyone currently in the "best friend" category. My husband automatically is, but outside of us .. there's not much else to fill that space. So, because of that I'll write about my hubby.

I love calling him that. It's a change change from "fella."

We met 4 years ago on the internet. Not through a dating site, but a common forum that we both frequently daily. I had the biggest crush on him, I couldn't even stand it. I'd see him online and I'd stalk his posts. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and sent thousands of texts back and forth each month. He lived just over 4 hours away and one weekend I decided that I was going to drive up to Oklahoma and see if this crush is going to pan out. Long story short, it did and we've been inseparable ever since.

Growing up I never really had that one friend that finished my sentences or got my lame jokes. I thought I did, but looking back I wasn't being true to myself. I was being who I thought these people wanted me to be. I quickly discovered how awesome and awkward I really was and I just went with it. Today, people say that I'm harsh and sometimes mean. But that's just the sarcasm talking. I am one of those that needs to be around other sarcastic people. People that understand that sarcasm in and of itself is it's very own language. And a language I am more than fluent in.

[side note - As I am writing this I can hear one of our dogs snoring outside]

After I moved out of TN, it seems that no one really wanted to try to keep a relationship going. So I soon gave up. Who needs lame friends from high school anyway. Then I discovered just how wonderful the internet could be outside of AOL. I found internet forums that catered to things I was interested in and as such I found Gerald.

He gets my jokes. He watches the same TV shows. He allows me to be hormonal and myself. And he loves me for it.

One day I'd like that have that "best friend"outside of our marriage, but it's safe to say I'm ok with not having that right now.

April 30 Day Challenge

Truth be told, I got this off of tumblr. But since I want to start using this blog more often, I'm going to start it here.

Day 1: Write about your best friend

Day 2: Post your favorite song and write why you like it

Day 3: Your top 10 pet peeves

Day 4: What was the last movie you watched, write about it

Day 5: Someone you would switch lives with for a day and why

Day 6: A picture that makes you happy

Day 7: If you were stranded on an Island, who would be with you and which limited 10 items would you two have?

Day 8: Describe your perfect date

Day 9: A picture of you when you were still young. (ex. 2,3,4 etc.)

Day 10: Write the differences between you and your best friend

Day 11: Write a letter to your loved one (ex. crush, boyfriend etc.)

Day 12: What got you into this challenge?

Day 13: A picture of what you wore today

Day 14: A silly picture of you/ you & your friends

Day 15: Create an outfit at http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/app and printscreen it!

Day 16: A picture of your cellphone/iPod/camera. ** Or altogether!

Day 17: Last post you made on Tumblr that doesn’t involve a challenge?

Day 18: Write a letter to your followers

Day 19: A video you would usually watch on Youtube

Day 20: What did you eat today? Picture if you want*

Day 21: What do you look for in a guy/girl?

Day 22: A picture of what you wore today

Day 23: Post up all the sites you use. (ex. your Twitter link, Facebook, Formspring etc.)

Day 24: When you look outside step outside your front door of the house, what do you see? picture if you like **

Day 25: Recommend a few Tumblr’s and write why you recommended them.

Day 26: Your favorite quote

Day 27: Something that inspires you

Day 28: Write a letter to someone you’ve never talked to in a long time

Day 29: Things you’re looking forward to next week -month

Day 30: Create a collage of your pictures you take in 1 day and post them up.

Mmm. Lasagna.

So it seems I only feel like updating this old thing when things are not as I wish they were. It makes it seem like I'm not a happy individual. On the contrary, I'm an extraordinarily happy person, I just don't always show it. Things go wrong and for a few hours or more, I mope about them, then I get on with my life. No harm no foul.

This blog over the years (though I have many many posts hidden or removed from previous years) has served as a dumping grounds for all the things I probably should have said to all of the people who have let me down in some way or another. I deleted posts about men I dated. I deleted those about work frustrations, and I removed those few posts about friends that were never really friends. Life goes on, you know?

In other news, married life has been great so far. And simply because I have not changed my name yet. I had to wait for the marriage license to return before I could even begin attempting to change my name. I can't even change it on the utilities, which is odd to me as I never had to prove who I was when I started service? Who knows. They never had my name right to begin with, I'm starting to wonder if I even need to change it. Change it on the utility accounts, that is. Of course I'm going to actually change my name. I will be glad to be rid of the "family" last name. It makes me sound like a heartless person, but when you never had a relationship with someone, does that really make me the bad guy?

That's for another post. I need to go check on my delicious brownies anyway. Ciao!

What's in a friend?

So here's another emo post. I've had far too much wine this evening and though I know I shouldn't be near a computer I'm going to post this anyway.

I've spent far too long trying to be someone I'm not because I thought I'd get a great friend out of the deal. Instead, it's left me near friendless and well, alone. I want so badly to be that best friend to someone. To be that person to another woman who she can count on. Share silly things, serious things, and just be awesome together. I've always made better friends with guys than with gals, and frankly guys don't give a damn about the cute skirt you just found at Target. Or man problems. Maybe that's why I always befriended them. I didn't have those problems or issues until I grew up. Got responsibilities. And now here I am. My best friend is my husband and while I adore him, we both need friends of our own.

He is lucky enough to have great friends from high school. Me, on the other hand, I've got internet friends. The kind of friends that only care about you and your life when they've run out of internets. The kind of friend that just happens to be just as bored as you sitting on the other side of a computer screen.

I was always a little antisocial to begin with. A few years back (try like 7) I started trying really hard to be the person everyone liked. The girl people wanted to hang out with. Turns out I was just a free ride, or a free drink, or whatever it happened to be. I can't stand it any longer.

I see people that I thought were really close friends of mine drop me for the flavor of the month and never look back. It irks me to no end. How is one supposed to end the friendless cycle? How does one go about finding that best friend?

One may never know, it seems.

I'm a married woman now!

So I realize I use this blog to mainly complain about things, and for that I apologize. A woman is allowed to complain and at least I picked a spot that no one else really ever looks at. Although I can't say that my whining will be over with, my wedding related whining is over. I think.

I'm sure I could find something to complain about, but I'm just too exhausted today to even think about it. I'll be back with a full recap sometime later this month.

:heart:

I'm so stinking nervous!

I have some incredibly awesome people coming to visit me in just a week's time. I have so many things to complete and I just don't have the motivation.

I need to clean my house from top to bottom. I have cookies, and treats, and things to bake. I have to go to Oklahoma on Saturday then turn around and come right back to Texas for the bachelorette party.

I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety that I just can't handle it. I should have probably been working slowly on all these things all this week, but have I? No.

I'm such a slacker! I still have to get a few gifts. I still have to write thank yous. Pack for our mini-moon. Pay stupid bills. Clean. Laundry. Clean some more. Cook. Do dishes. Cook again. Clean out the microwave.

Most folks aren't actually going to come over to my house, but I'm sure one or two of them will and I can't have monster animal hair everywhere. I can't have it smelling like dog. I can't have dirty foot prints on the tile. I just can't!

I feel like I'm going insane! I need some housekeeping help!!!

Giant DIY progress.

Anyhow, I had a break down. So many things have gone wrong that I just couldn't handle it anymore. It's amazing how much better you'll feel after you just let everything take over. Sure, I still have my doubts and my feelings are still hurt, but in the end I'll be just fine.

I am absolutely consumed with all things wedding. Final payments, final head counts, final DIY projects.

Speaking of DIY projects, remember how I mentioned we were having a dinosaur wedding? Well it doesn't get much more dinosaur-y than this. My step-dad is building the most awesome 9 and a half ft tall dinosaur to use as a prop and to be honest, it's pretty much all we've got in the way of decorations.

We need one more coat of paint, the addition of a vest, monocle, top hat and mustache, and the giant Apatosaurus will be complete! I am beyond excited about it. He's currently strapped to the ground because we've been having a bit of wind lately and he fell over a few weeks back. Broke his hip and fractured his shoulder. It was terrible.

17 days left. 17!

Some fools fool themselves I guess

Oddly enough, Nazareth sums it up pretty good.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not having a great couple of months. And it shows. It shows with the blemishes on my face, the sourness of my attitude, the lack of energy, and overall apathetic outlook on my future. I thought wedding planning was supposed to be fun? Or at least enjoyable? Not in this case. I feel like I'm on a bad episode of Bridezillas and I'm not allowed to say how I feel. I guess it wouldn't be a problem if I had some outlet .. which is where you come in to play Blogspot.

I feel like I can't say anything negative about any sort of aspect concerning this wedding. If I say I don't much care for one thing or I'd rather have this then I hurt someone's feelings and they take it entirely too personal. If I don't jump up and down because of something they've done for me then I'm the bad guy. Explaining something once isn't enough apparently and if I happen to mention that I've already explained it before then I'm a bitch. What gives? Aren't I supposed to be the one with the bad attitude?

I try my best not to let it bother me, but having nothing better to do with my time it does bother me. It bothers me to the point of a silly screaming match. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve some of this unnecessary stress from retail therapy, stress relief candles, massages, spa outings to cheesecake and brownies for dinner. I am at a point where I honestly don't know where to go from here.

If I go down road A, then I'm a spineless weasel that settled just to please everyone. If I turn and go down road B, then I alienate my future family by being a selfish bitch. What are you supposed to do now?

What about when the bride starts feeling like maybe the wedding dress she picked out isn't exactly the one she wanted? Yeah, I said it. I've been holding it in for a few months now to try to convince myself that it's only a dress and in the end it doesn't really matter ... but it kinda does. I look at photos and it's not a terribly flattering dress on me. It's not the one that I loved when I first put it on and I feel like I was coerced into getting it because it fit all the categories except what should have been the most important. It fit the price range. It didn't need any alterations. We didn't have to wait six months from a manufacturer to get it, we could take it home off the rack. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't the one I loved. I never got the wow factor reaction that I so desperately wanted, and that's totally the fault of TLC and Say Yes to the Dress. Even when I show off the bridal portraits I had done, the only reactions I get are "That's such a cute idea!" and "OMG! You were on a horse?!" not "Wow you look beautiful!" Maybe that's where all this comes from. The bride is supposed to be gorgeous. Even if maybe, she's not the most lovely woman on the block. I'm terrified of the thought that my future husband doesn't think I'm pretty in it. I feel like I got cheated or that I never got the chance to feel out all the options available to me. Oh and heaven forbid I mention any of this to my family. They'd give me that look that just says disappointment and I'd feel even worse about the whole thing.

I guess it's another one of those things you just have to let go.