Friendly Frustration

I never was a person to have a lot of friends, at least not a lot of close friends.I was sort of, admittedly, anti-social and generally speaking I was ok with that. I had come to terms with it, and I didn't have any complaints.

Then comes this wedding, and I start realizing how many weddings I hadn't been invited to, who was I even going to invite to mine, who was going to actually show up, and what about the bachelorette party? Bridesmaids? Flower girls? Bridal showers? AH!

All of this wants me to call off the whole thing and just go get married at the courthouse and get on with our lives. The really good friends that I have live rather far away and the likelihood of them attending is rather slim ... and truth be told it hurts the feelings that no one actually believes I have. In the end it's my own fault, but I am a product of my environment.

The closer it gets to d-day, the more I notice facebook updates about hanging out with friends, having a girls day, and all these things I've never had the opportunity to participate in. It makes me seem like a complete failure at life. Like maybe I just don't deserve this wedding and all the fun it implies. Or like maybe I really am just a terrible person to be around. I never really thought I was, but the closer it gets and the further away my "friends" seem, it just makes everything hurt a little more.

Maybe it's all in my head. But then again, maybe it's not.

I am thankful for ..

Everything in my life.

Nothing's gonna hold me down ..

Oh no, I've got to keep on movin ...


Anyhow, this is not how planning a wedding should be. I realize it is stressful at times, and I realize that no one else really even cares about it all .. but at the same time I feel like at lease one other person should care. Namely .. my family.

My mom tells me she wants to be involved, but when it comes time to the nitty gritty and you know, actually looking at ideas, creating ideas, planning this that and the other .. she's no where to be found. She says she's tired, or she doesn't feel well. Ok, fine. I should just let it go, right?
Wrong. How can someone feel bad every day for months on end? And if they do, don't you think they'd do something to fix it? Sure, it's easier to sit there and say "We'll do it tomorrow" but when tomorrow never comes, I start to detach, so to speak.

I really am tired of being the only one interested in planning this wedding. G doesn't really care about the details, he sort of just wants it over with. I care about the details because this will likely be my only wedding. I want input, I want help, I want the whole mother-daughter bonding experience that is supposed to be this stupid wedding!



Sigh. I suppose I just wish she'd think about my feelings on the matter for a change. For the past few months, when I've gone over to show her something related to the wedding, she either ignores it or thinks of some reason to leave the room. It's gotten to the point that I just do not want to go over there anymore.

I almost don't want any of this to happen. G and I can just get married at the courthouse by a JoP and be done with it.

Friday nights at home alone just don't go over well anymore. Back to Land Before Time and delicious hot cocoa.

Delicious Cookies!

So it's Autumn now, and the weather is lovely. I don't even have to turn my A/C on ... which is a good thing since it has sprung a leak and flooded the back room. Which also happens to be the dog's room .... And now it smells like gross smelly wet dog. It has been in the 70's lately, so the dogs have been staying outside longer, giving me a chance to air out the room a bit. It seems to be getting better.

Anyhow, that also means it's time for me to stop being lazy. I've been working on a website for months trying to make everything perfect to launch my business. I am not confident that I will succeed, but I'm ready to throw it out there. The only problem is, I'm having trouble coming up with a name. It is of course going to be a bakery style business, but I'm just drawing a blank.

And that's when I just have to step away from the computer and go make some cookies. Yum.

I am so exhausted.

I had been putting off cleaning the house for at least a month. I know it sounds disgusting. I kept convincing myself that it really wasn't that dirty because no one was home most of the time. My parents went out of town to NYC, and I had to go over everyday to visit with my grandmother. I know I didn't actually have to, but I offered to keep her company.

I'd come home exhausted from whatever it was she had me do. I was also a "pool monitor" for my mother's neighbor HOA. Not a bad gig, actually. They paid me to sit at the pool in 4 hour shifts to make sure no one tried to break in. Apparently the HOA is super paranoid about it, but hey, essentially free money. I developed a delicious tan as a result, and while I have never been one to tan, I am pleased with the look. So that took up my weekends. After sitting 4 hours in 100 degree weather, the last thing I wanted to do was come home and clean.


My house is hot. It has always been hot, and will most likely always be hot. The air conditioner is too small for the house, so as a result it doesn't get much cooler than 15 to 20 degrees less than outside. It's a real killer on both my electric bill and my sanity. When doing things like vacuuming, moping, moving furniture, etc .. it gets really super hot in there thus leading me to not want to do anything besides what Real Housewives. I can't help it, I'm obsessed.

Anyhow, today I finally said "I can't take it anymore!" My house was cluttered, covered in dog hair, and just downright filthy. So I sent the dogs outside, sprayed their room with super disinfectant, sprayed the carpets, dusted, vacuumed, got under the couch and even in the closet. Their "room" takes the longest because, well because they're dogs. Orson sheds like no one's business, and Lylah lays in the same spot so often she's worn her butt into it. A few weeks ago I had to break down and put a cheap area rug down to prevent them from wearing the carpet more than normal. It's helping some, and definitely easier to clean, but it walks across the room, you know? Sometimes I wish I had never let the dogs inside, but then I remember how Lylah got out of the fence that one time and my heart just can't take it. They're lazy dogs, and one look in their eyes tells me they never want to go back outside. My heart melts every time Orson looks at me with those huge puppy dog eyes. Especially when I've had a bad day and I sit at the computer crying. He just lays his head on my leg, and Lylah lays down at my feet. It's the sweetest thing in the world.

And that, my friends, is why I never want kids.

After conquering their room, I went to Mabel's. Yes, the guinea pig has her own room. I built her this awesome cage that takes up most of the floor space in the room and because of that the room wasn't really being used. So I moved my sewing gear in there and I am pleased. The room is a little cramped, but since we never have guests (at least not those that stay the night) I am considering packing the bed into one of the larger closets, and moving my work bench from the garage in there. Yup, after writing it down I think I'm going to do that next weekend or so.

I moved most of my furniture around, finally got up all the damn animal hair and even built a small bookcase. My cookbooks were getting a little out of hand, and I don't have a lot of counter space to begin with .. so a small bookcase made since. I am pleased with it.

But now my feet hurt, my back hurts, my arms are sore, and I made my little toe bleed. It was a full day.


Tomorrow, I pick up my wedding dress! I'm excited. It's only been two months since I've seen it, but I still want to put it on. I also plan to do some serious shoe shopping as well. Every girl needs a reason to buy a sexy new pair of pumps!

True life

Here it is almost 2 am and I'm watching MTV's true life. The chick on here lives in Stillwater and I have to admit, I sorta miss it. I know, I hated it while I was there, but something about it I miss. One day I'll figure out what it is. Also, I can post from my phone. Yay Android!

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To want what I have ...

I'm so relieved to have so much completed for our wedding, I'm not even sure what I need to work on next.

I've got the dress, the venue, the date, the hotel, the groom's suit, the cake, the flowers, the centerpieces, the guest list, the ushers, the officiant, the invitations ...

A few of the details need to be ironed out, but I at least have a working knowledge of what I want. I'm so glad I have all of that completed.

Now I just need it to be spring already. I'm ready to get this whole thing over with.

It's 2AM and I can't sleep.

Am I surprised? No, not really. I've got a lot on my mind lately. Strangely enough, it's not even wedding related. Sure, going over some things in my head keeps me up, but that's not really the reason.

I'm not even sure I know the reason. I know I've lost all my motivation lately, and it's slightly related to the weather and general grossness that I feel. It's also a lot to do with not being home as much as I probably should be. The house is a wreck, we haven't had anyone over in a long time. The floor is filthy, I have a refrigerator full of food and I only cooked once last week, the kitchen is cluttered and the garage is full of crap. I'd love to go throw out everything I don't need or want, but when the time comes to actually get out into the garage, it's so damn hot that the only thing I want to do is bathe in freezer pops until I stop sweating. I suppose that happens when you're a giant whale like myself.

I think I've been home twice in the past week. And never for any amount of time to get anything done. Sure, I made progress on wedding plans, but not on anything else. I didn't even make my stepdad a birthday cake. I feel like a failure that I couldn't even find the time or energy to do at least that.

I'm generally down about a certain friend of mine. She's lived next to me for years, but we're not very close. Part of me wants to be close, wants to be that best friend, but the other part of me realizes it's just not possible due to schedules, kids, etc. I love her to death, I just feel like I'm at the bottom of the list. I'm almost certain it's in my head, but oh well, it's not like things will magically change. There's no real reason to change it either, other than for my own personal gain.

Making progress.

So even though we don't have a wedding date set yet, or even a venue picked out .. I seem to be making some progress.

• I've got the guest list narrowed down, except for a few stubborn stragglers.
• I've got the dress.
• I've got the cake.
• I've got the colors and flowers.

Beyond that .. well who knows.

I went to a Bridal Show this past weekend, and I have to admit. I'm damn near wedding-ed out. It made me realize just how non-important things are, and just how weird I am.

Ah well. Life is pretty good on this side of the tracks. There are a few holes along the way, but we're chugging along just fine.

There is such a thing as too much.

Admittedly, I'm having a tough time with this whole wedding thing. I know it's not the end of the world .. and a week later people won't remember what food I served or what flavor of cake I had. I probably won't remember it either. I know that in the end I have to do what makes me happy, but what are you supposed to do when what makes you happy is making your guests happy?

Is it so terrible of me to want to throw a nice party for my small circle of friends and family? The one time I actually try to consider other people's opinions, and I'm actually told not to listen to them. So confusing people!!


I'm slowly realizing that what I want is pretty far from traditional. And the people I've spoken to tend to be extremely traditional. It's not a bad thing, but it's not really what I'm looking for. Maybe I still don't know what I want?

AHH! I'm talking in circles. I quit.

Today's forcast : Very Hot

Did I tell you I'm a warehouse manager? And with that comes the absence of air conditioning.

I found my wedding dress!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


No pictures, of course. I like keeping G3PO in suspense.

Wedding woes and the end of an era.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time on the forums over at theknot.com. Generally speaking I enjoy the website, however the overconfident, sheltered, and down right close mindedness of the posts is really starting to irk me. I get that the site leans more for traditional weddings and such, and that's perfectly fine. But the non-traditional bashing is really annoying. There's even an etiquette board which is far from it.

It's evidently news to me that full meal options are the norm when it comes to weddings, and hor d'oeuvres are frowned upon. No wonder people claim that the average cost is near 10k or more. I am of the thinking that if you're going to be disappointed that I didn't provide you with steak, then you weren't really there to see us get married. Which I thought was the point anyway. Anyway. Back to the site, I posted a general question thread asking suggestions and ideas for alternatives. Well that didn't go over so well. I currently have over 30 comments telling me "If I came to your wedding, and you didn't feed us, I'd be pissed I bothered to buy you a gift. I'd also leave early because I was hungry."

There are so many things wrong with that, I'm not even sure where to begin. First off, gifts are not expected. Appreciated, but again not expected or encouraged. Secondly, since when did the bride become responsible for your eating habits? Is it so hard to grab somethign before you come to the wedding? Is it really the end of the world to snack on crackers for an hour and then go get food? Are you going to starve within that time frame?



Now, I'm not completely off my rocker, I assure you. I realize food is a large part of the reception both in budget and convenience. However, I'm more than a tad offended that it's become expected. I also know that my wedding alone will not change the norm, or even make it on the radar. But food is a luxury and should be treated as such. With a guest list topping 75, should I really shell out 40-50$ per head for mediocre food that chances are people wouldn't enjoy? Hell, I could take everyone to Logan's, pick up the tab and it's still significantly less that 45$ a person!
And for taht matter, why are hor d'oeuvres frowned upon? And why do they have to be "heavy hor d'oeuvres?" What does that even mean anyway? I shoudl serve my guests fried eggrolls, fried cheese, and fried onions? Is that heavy enough? Or is that your way of saying that the appetizers need to be a meal replacement? In that case, I'm serving everyone a single bottle of Slim Fast. That's a meal replacement smoothie and everyone will be stuffed afterwards! Makes sense, right?


I supposed I'm a little bothered that there is so little creativity in the commercialized wedding world. "OMG I HAVE TO HAVE A MILLION FLOWERS! THEY HAVE TO BE FRESH! I HAVE TO HAVE THESE PHOTOS TAKEN! AND I HAVE TO HAVE THE MOST EXPENSIVE DRESS EVER!" Maybe it stems from not fantasizing about this kind of thing since I was old enough to remember, but I just don't get it. Sure, I want a nice wedding ... but ideas of nice between say theknot.com and I vary greatly. There probably won't be a lot of white at my wedding. Or a lot of food. Or flowers. Or centerpieces. Or dim lighting. Or dancing.

But there will be a lot of awesome, that I can assure you my dear friends.

The proposal

I need someone to take over.

I am a planner and decision maker by nature. I like being able to nail down all the details of something whether it be tiny or huge. I liek sifting through oodles of information to find the perfect thing. So naturally, this whole wedding thing should come fairly easily .. right?
　
WRONG!
That couldn't be further from the truth. Three weeks into this whole planning business, and I can't even decide the simple things like colors, themes, date! I realize it's been a relatively short period of time .. and if I'm this overwhelmed now I can only imagine how bad it's going to get. I'm fully convinced that I was a Bridezilla long before we even got engaged. I know why those brides turn out that way. I can totally relate.
　
One reoccuring theme that I'm starting to really hate is "Now you can have whatever it was you dreamed about when you were little. So, what is it? Fairytale? Romantic? Beach?" There's one problem with that. I never fantasized about getting married. At least not when I was little. I grew up with a logical and practical mindset so daydreaming about something 20, 30 years down the line just wasn't interesting to me. Come to think of it, I didn't really dream about anything. It just wasn't fun for me. Now that I've got the chance to do that, I can't make a decision to save myself. I constantly ask for opinions, but people seem to be afraid to tell me what they think. Like the whole wedding dress thing. And now it's the same thing but replace dress with venue. Or decor. Or cake. Or colors.
And then when I did half-ass pick a theme, I see people rolling their eyes and sighing. (One of my biggest pet peeves btw.) I'm trying to please everyone, which I am well aware how impossible that is. But it's not entirely possible if attempting to please one aspect of everyone's opinions. Such as having the wedding where the parents want it, satisfying budget, getting the cake that G3PO and I like (After all we're going to have to eat it a year later), so on and so forth.
I'd love to say I had all the answers. I'd love to say that I didn't much care for what other people thought. But I can't. Because I want everyone to be happy.
And in the end .. I'm the one that's not happy. Sigh.

Don't stick your fingers in that fan!

Remember when your parents used to tell you that? And graphic images of your fingers being sliced clean off would dance through your mind? Well, I think I can understand where that came from.


See, I'm fairly clumsy. And I also tend to be hot 95% of the time. So naturally we have tons of fans littered around the house. Most are those really tiny yet powerful desktop fans so not much harm can come from those. We've also got a few heavy metal floor fans that are fantastic, but on the floor and the generally out of the way. So again, not much bodily destruction can occur.


Then there's the evil standing fan in the bedroom. It's plastic, but it's just as demonic. I am convinced that it has little grubby hands that reached out and tried to kill me as I was walking by. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!

A little back story ... Several years ago I got my nipples pierced. I figure most people know this about me, but choose not to remember it. Then about a year later I had them pierced again, this time at a 90 degree angle from the first piercing, therefore creating an awesome plus sign design. I love them, and I didn't realize how much I loved them until just the otehr day when the fan tried to grab them.

See, I was walking from the closet where the hamper is kept to the bathroom where my shower was running and of course had to pass by the fan. The next thing I knew my nipple jewelry was caught in the fan grate and those cheap plastic blades were headed right for it. I screamed bloody murder and I was certain that I had just lost a boob. My boob.
For a good ten minutes or so I refused to look at it, because in my head I just knew that there was a gallon of blood rushing out, a chunk of flesh still stuck in the fan, and the cat wondering why I stepped on his obnoxiously large tail.

As I looked around, I saw no blood, no flesh, and no evidence of the evil monster that lives in the fan. I was horrified, but actually I was perfectly fine. My nipple jewelry still intact and all is well. Bruised, but well.


This is the kind of exciting thing that happens to me and only me. Evil boob grabbing demon monster flesh eating satanic fan.

TV has given me a false sense of reality.

So it's no secret that I'm absolutely obsessed with all of the wedding shows on TLC, Bravo, Style, WE, etc. It's gotten so bad that I'm not even aware that I'm watching them. I can't help it!

Never in a million years would I have the money to afford even the least expensive options at Kleinfelds, or a reception at The Four Seasons. But it is fun to watch ... and dream.

Last week, I took my mother, step dad, and grandmother on the first dress shopping experience of many. I'd never been in a wedding dress, so I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. For that matter, I wasn't even sure what I wanted. But I knew what I didn't want .. and that was a 4 digit price tag. So we make it over to David's Bridal and the place is packed. I never really considered myself a true plus size lady. I was always an inbetweener, but putting on just one of those dresses proved me wrong. Yes, I realize wedding dresses are cut to an unrealistic size chart, but still. So, even going to the shop I was apprehensive about what, if anything, I'd fit into. And even further, what would be flattering to my soda can shape.

Much to my surprise, there were several brides in the shop that were larger than me. It sounds shallow, but it was nice to know that I wasn't the largest one in there. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that the shop had a good selection of plus-size gowns to try on. About half were too small, a fourth were too big, and another fourth fit just right with minor adjustments. I didn't find "the one" or at least I don't think I did.

It's hard to make a decision when you're support party doesn't really offer any kind of criticism. Not that I expect them to tell me bad things, but I'd like to hear them. Things like "that dress doesn't really show your curves" or "maybe try something that's not so low cut in the back" or even better "I don't like that one." Really, it's not that hard people!
What I think looks attractive on me, probably doesn't. And what other people see is most of the wedding anyway, so of course I want to know what other people think!

I got so frustrated, I just went home and cried for two days. I'm not even sure I want to go to a different shop. But you're supposed to get back on the horse, right?

Growing up is not for the faint of heart.

A few weeks back, my parents, grandmother, G3PO and I met his parents way out in Amarillo. This was their first time meeting my side of the family and everyone's nerves were a little on edge.

But thanks to the best proposal ever a few days before, we had some not-so-surprising news for everyone. It wasn't planned this way, it just happened to work out in our favor.
　
One Wednesday afternoon, before G3PO got home from work, I places a simple "will you marry me" chat bubble in the hands of a submerged blue T-Rex in our fish tank. It took him awhile to see it, but later that evening he asked me who T-Rex was proposing to. Of course I got a little giddy and squealed a bit when he said yes. I had little doubt he'd decline, but you know, until the question is asked there's always that possibility. On the following payday, we went to the mall for soap, and ended up buy a diamond ring for myself. It's classy, understated, and absolutely gorgeous. Best of all, it was a fantastic deal.

Now back to Amarillo. We were all meeting out there to see an outdoor musical appropriately called "Texas" in the basin of Palo Duro Canyon. Before the show, we all went to Logan's for dinner. Not the best choice in dropping the bomb on everyone, but it was Amarillo and there weren't many affordable options to choose from. So, while chomping down on my delicious caeser salad, G3PO decides to annouce to everyone that we are getting married. (SQUEE!) My mom and step-dad cried, his mother demanded a photo of the ring, and all around everyone was pleased.
　
　
So there you have it. It's now official as I change my facebook status to "engaged."

Birthdays are fun.

And mine certainly was!






Thank you, to my lovely step-dad for the birthday gift of the century!

Keep on keeping on.

Things always have to get worse before they get better ... and to make it a little worse, I woke up to an email saying my account was overdrawn by $7 and some change. No biggie, except the fact the combined amount in all my accounts was only $6 and something. Leaving me still overdrawn by $0.88. What a harsh slap in the face from reality.

G got a full time job, but pay checks won't really be coming in for another week or so, and bill's are just getting higher. Not to mention the constant stress I have to put up with when he finds out how much money we really don't have. Being poor is one thing, but having to listen to someone complain about it day in and day out is a completely different animal. I know we're broke, but I also know we're not seriously default on any of our bills, so just shut up and let me deal with it. /stress

In other news, our vacation went well. We headed down to Houston to help a friend move, then stayed the weekend in Galveston on the beach. Literally on the beach. It was beautiful. After moving my friend in, and dealing with her somewhat arrogant boyfriend, we headed to the beach. It would have been nice to be rid of them by then, but on one hand I didn't want to be that rude, and on the other, it wasn't going to kill me to be nice. After all, countless people have told me that I come off as very mean, harsh, uncaring, etc.

The Gulf of Mexico is in an entirely different ballpark than the ocean proper. Not to say that it is dirty, but the water is not crystal clear. It is full of the same animals and critters you'd find off the coast of Florida, but the problem lies in not being able to really see them. It's all due to the flow of the Mississippi River into the Gulf, and not the mention to beginning of Hurricane season. The water is cool, the sun is hot, the beach is beautiful, and it's affordable. Atleast for us. It's a mere 5 and a half to 6 hours away, and a perfect weekend getaway.

Oh, what I wouldn't give to go back now. Certainly that 88 cents the bank took from me!

Work day stress

Well things are getting worse at my job.

I am a supervisor, and though I'd love to just walk out of here, it's not like I have anyone knocking down my door trying to hire me. It's also not like I have that option. What I used to think was my responsibility apparently isn't any longer, and now I'm left with 40 hours a week of twiddling my thumbs and pretending like the people that work for me aren't hiding something.

One girl goes to the bathroom every so often, and is gone for 20 minutes at a time. She notoriously shows up late for work, returns nearly half an hour past her actual 30 minute lunch, and does just enough to stay off the radar. Or she did, until they gave me less to do and now I've started nit-picking.

One of the guys likes to go to lunch early (it's one of those places where everyone takes lunch and breaks at the same time) and come back late. He also likes to stand in front of the fans and blow his stink across the cage. Everyday he stops working a little bit earlier than he should, and instead of actually walking around the warehouse to get something done he likes to steal whatever forklift is sitting around and drive it. One last thing he does, and this is just me complaining, is invade my personal space. If I am on the phone or at my desk attempting to work, he likes to walk behind me, set boxes clearly in my way, and all around ignore the fact that I'm even there. I wrote him up today (for attendance - not because he annoys me), so I don't think he'll be ignoring me for long.

Another one of the guys is the one that's just "too nice." It's a warehouse job, and I realize it requires little to no skill, and we pay entirely too well for this too, but there's no reason to just let people walk all over you. If someone leaves an empty box laying in the walkway, that someone should pick it up. But this guy is constantly doing everything anyone tells him. Normally, that's a good thing. Except when it interferes with his normal daily job functions.

Another person (not under my supervision) seems to refuse to flush the toilet. And I always end up going in right after her. Gross. Gross. Gross.


The newest girl that has wormed her way into my department is the lowest of the low. I think I'll save her for her very own special post. And maybe by then she'll be gone.


A girl can dream.

A much needed vacation.

Memorial Day weekend is coming soon, and I've plans to help a friend move cross-country and down south to Houston. I'm not really excited to be helping, but I am excited to see her and her fella. Not to mention getting away from the everyday stress that lurks behind me.
And the space center is down there. It's been ages since I've been.


And who can forget about the beach? Provided it's not covered in oil goo. I bought myself a new bathing suit at Marshall's a few weeks back, and while I'm not really big on wearing bathing suits, I do enjoy this one. It's like a short little dress and it makes me feel good about myself. After all, that's all that matters, right?

'Ello there.

I've had this blog for years. I used to update it. But then I lost interest.



So I hid everything I posted from view. A few years later, I remembered and looked to see what nonsense I had written. I deleted everything, and started all over.



Another few years went by and I repeated the cycle.





I'm sure that'll happen again, but for now I'm going to entertain myself while I slowly waste away at a job that I truly believe is beneath me. No, I'm not a holier than thou shallow bitch, but there are certain times in everyone's life where you're allowed to be better than something. And this job is one of them.


So, welcome. Again. And if any of my old readers happen to still be out there, a lot of things have changed, my dear friends. A lot.