Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A giant bag of nerves.

A big giant bag of nerves and anxiety. That's all I am lately. I don't even really know how to explain it, either. I just wish it would go away. I wish that I could sleep, but I hardly ever do. Last week I think I got a whopping 12 hours total. 12 measly hours for 7 days! It just sucks. Sleeping pills don't help, Advil, Aleeve, painkillers don't help. My hip still hurts everyday and there's no amount of drugs that make it feel better.

I think I need a massage. I've never had one, but I'm starting to consider it. Maybe it'll be a birthday gift to myself?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Frustration doesn't even begin to explain the way I feel right now.

Everyday I log on here to make a post, and everyday I end up deleting it. It seems all I ever do is complain. But it's really not that. It's more of a venting mechanism I suppose. See, I'm one of those people that is fighting a daily fight because she married the most stubborn, bull-headed person in the world. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty much the same way, so we end up in a lot of stupid meaningless frustrating tiffs. I wouldn't even call them arguments. It's not a bad thing, its just more of the way we do things. We've always been this way. I ask for something, he forgets, I ask again, he forgets again. I ask one more time, and he forgets again so then I start demanding, and that's about the time that someone else sees part of it and I end up being a demanding, uncaring, hard to live with bitch. But did they see the other three times I asked him to do something as simple as hanging a shelf?

Sure, I could hang it myself. I could do everything myself. And lets say that I did, and we never had a scuffle, and he never ended up doing anything. And then for whatever reason I wasn't around anymore. Either in old age and I've long passed, or I'm just away for the weekend. What would he be capable of doing? He wouldn't know that the washer has to be angled a certain way on the tile to keep it from walking into the kitchen, or that the front door has to be deadbolted to keep it shut. Or that the cat's litterboxes have to be cleaned daily or they'll start finding new places to do their business aka his shoes. He wouldn't know how to clean them. And it's not that my husband is stupid. He lived on his own for a really long time. However, if I take responsibility away, then he won't do simple having living things such as dishes, taking out the trash and so on.

I don't ask that much of him. He works long hours in hot demanding conditions, but he's perfectly capable of taking the trash out every other day, putting his dishes in the dishwasher, and folding his own clothes.

My point is, I fear people are passing judgement (even though it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks) on me and the way we as a couple handle everyday situations simply because they only see one smidgen of the whole story. We all do it to a point. My family happens to believe that I'm absolutely terrible and far too demanding of G, when in fact I'm really not. Yes, I yell at him from time to time, but not because I haven't got a reason, but because I've been telling him the same thing for weeks and it never got trough his thick skull.

I'd be lying if I said everything outside of our marriage was peachy keen. There's a ton of external stress weighing on me right now and being that I don't really have anyone to talk to it's taking a far worse toll on me than it probably should. I've only slept one night this entire week. My house is squeaky clean, though. I wish this stress would go away. I wish I wasn't in this situation, but my hope is that through all of this there is light at the end of the tunnel. The blow ups and arguments are just the tip of the iceberg and at the end of the day I know that Gerald loves me unconditionally even if no one else does. And I just need to keep remembering that.

Hopefully this week will bring a lot of change to our lives and the silver lining through all of this will shine through. But if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. It'll just feel like it.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

Summer blues

I wish I knew how to put into words exactly how I'm feeling lately but I just can't seem to find the right ones. I wouldn't call it depressed, but I wouldn't call it happy either. It's sort of numb, I suppose. Defeated maybe? I'm not sure. All I know is that something isn't right, and I gotta figure that out. Easier said than done, right?

I don't even know how to explain what's wrong. It's not like anyone actually cares what's wrong anyway, but it feels like I'm all pity party about nothing. That's not the case, and this blog entry is just starting to be dumb. So I guess I'll go mope on another corner of the internet.