Monday, August 23, 2010

It's 2AM and I can't sleep.

Am I surprised? No, not really. I've got a lot on my mind lately. Strangely enough, it's not even wedding related. Sure, going over some things in my head keeps me up, but that's not really the reason.

I'm not even sure I know the reason. I know I've lost all my motivation lately, and it's slightly related to the weather and general grossness that I feel. It's also a lot to do with not being home as much as I probably should be. The house is a wreck, we haven't had anyone over in a long time. The floor is filthy, I have a refrigerator full of food and I only cooked once last week, the kitchen is cluttered and the garage is full of crap. I'd love to go throw out everything I don't need or want, but when the time comes to actually get out into the garage, it's so damn hot that the only thing I want to do is bathe in freezer pops until I stop sweating. I suppose that happens when you're a giant whale like myself.

I think I've been home twice in the past week. And never for any amount of time to get anything done. Sure, I made progress on wedding plans, but not on anything else. I didn't even make my stepdad a birthday cake. I feel like a failure that I couldn't even find the time or energy to do at least that.

I'm generally down about a certain friend of mine. She's lived next to me for years, but we're not very close. Part of me wants to be close, wants to be that best friend, but the other part of me realizes it's just not possible due to schedules, kids, etc. I love her to death, I just feel like I'm at the bottom of the list. I'm almost certain it's in my head, but oh well, it's not like things will magically change. There's no real reason to change it either, other than for my own personal gain.

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