New Year . new me?

The new year seems to be everyone's favorite time to re-invent themselves. G and I sort of decided to do that in November. It was long over due that we turned into one entity rather than G and K, and it was about damn time other people started taking us seriously.

I've been struggling with how to approach this when it comes to the rest of our families. G and I want to have our own traditions, our own life, and our very own family ... even if that family never expands beyond him and the pets. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel like they are more important to us than our fur family. And sure, we love our families ... but our pets depend on us. We chose to take on the responsibility of the horde, and because of that, they tend to come first.

I also feel that holidays have become slightly one-sided. We are always having to go somewhere for [insert holiday here]. I know our home isn't big enough to host more than one or two people, but it'd be nice to just stay home.

I struggled this past Christmas to try and create new traditions that are special for just us, but my plans sort of flopped. It seems that it's really only me trying with G just trailing behind barely paying attention. When things like this happen, it makes me feel like it's time we cut all ties. Even if I know that's not a solution, it sure does sound pretty damn nice. It's like I just can't win no matter what I do!

Oh well. Here's to another year down the drain ...

Another sleepless night.

I used to have this whole list of things I felt like I was missing. A better car, a better home, better furniture, better baking skills, better clothes, etc. Turns out I'm not really missing those things, those are just things I'd like to have. I am, however, missing one thing. And that one thing is somewhat unidentifiable. The best I can explain, is its the one thing that would make me feel good about myself.

Sure, I can make myself feel good but that comes off as arrogance and I already have enough people in my life that think I'm a horrible, harsh, arrogant bitch. So that won't work. I could find a friend that would feed me all kinds of fake compliments but those are just empty gestures and I already have a friend like that, if you want to call her a friend.

You're significant other supposed to be your support network, but that's been difficult for me since I married an emotionally unavailable man. I knew this going in to the relationship, and I never hoped to change it. I sort of just hoped I could deal with it. Turns out it's more difficult than I imagined. I don't feel like I have the support and motivation that I feel I need. Even if it is there, he certainly doesn't know how to show it. And just forget about me bringing it up to anyone outside of the anonymous internet! I've never experienced so many pushy people who feel the need to tell me how to "fix" my marriage. My marriage isn't broken. There's nothing wrong with my marriage. My husband, on the other hand, needs some help in the spousal support arena. I wouldn't even call it needing help .. more like coaching.

Why don't we just go ahead and jump into this unnecessary judgmental drama from my family? One side of our family hasn't figured out how to treat us like adults. They assume that since we don't have children, we can just do whatever we like. Well we do have children. They're called pets and whether you agree with our lifestyle or not, they come before any stupid family gathering. The other side of the family is so aloof it's like they don't want anything to do with us. I try to include them in my life, and I'm constantly made to feel like it's a chore to be around me. Plans are never kept, and yet I'm expected to show up with bells on whenever they feel like it. I can't talk to any of the family about any issues, because then it becomes a giant ball of judgement hurling towards me and I'm left standing in the field without a bat.

Part of me wants to tell everyone in my family to just leave my husband and I alone, but the other part wants to be included and loved and not talked about behind our backs. Which I realize happens anyway since both our extended families enjoy the gossip.

I'm constantly made to feel like nothing is ever good enough. We live in a suburban rental neighborhood. Mostly white folks, around our age, with kids, workin to pay the rent. They are hooligans, they aren't thugs. They aren't disruptive people. Sure, the family that shares a duplex with us does everything they can think of to get on my last nerve, but we're never in any harm. I don't feel uncomfortable walking the dogs at night. I usually don't since they're both solid black and hard to spot, but when I have in the past, I'm not scared. I'm not terrified to walk a block to the donut shop or the gas station. We can leave things outside and they won't get messed with. The kids on the street tend to stay away from our home, so all in all we don't have anything to worry about. Yet certain members of my family think our neighborhood is trailer trash, and on several occasions called it the "hood." It's far from any hood I've ever seen. And it's pretty disrespectful. Sure, I don't like it either, but calling the place trailer trash is just uncalled for.

As mush as I'd like to be, Gerald and I are just not in a place to buy our own home yet. We're working on credit issues, he's getting established at a new job, we're paying off a new truck, and we're not really in any hurry. Honestly, if we rent for the rest of our lives so be it. It doesn't bother me whether my money goes to a rental company or a mortgage company.

I suppose my point in that whole rant is that I'm tired of being made to feel like whatever I have or do isn't good enough for someone else to pay attention to.

Oh well. I think I'm about done for the night. Sigh.

The UNpopular Opinion

I don't have a good relationship with my biological father. Actually, I don't have a relationship at all with him. I can't even pinpoint the last time I spoke to him. Most of the time this doesn't bother me, I have a great step-father, and a great family. But sometimes I just wish I had that father-daughter bond that most people get to have. I feel like I have to not like him because of all the horrible things he's done to me and the rest of my family. I feel like that's the only option. I either accept the way things are now and never think of it again, or I forgive him and fake a relationship. I don't really care for either of those choices. I feel as though he's the one that actually needs to forgive and make an effort. That won't ever happen so that leaves me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm so lost, I can't even begin to explain what I'm feeling.

When I'm feeling lonely, I sit in my "office" and listen to Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band. I pretend that a relationship is there, that I'm not completely useless, and that I wasn't kicked to the curb by my biological father.

I am an crazy animal lover.

I own this title. I save nearly all animals that have crossed my path in some form or another. If I save an animal, or capture a stray, I don't always keep them. I find homes for them and at least the option of a better life. I cannot stop myself. I have pulled over the the side of freeways to catch dogs, cats, turtles. I run down the street barefoot and in the middle of a hail storm to save two dogs that are clearly inside dogs and out of their mind. I make my husband pull the car over no matter where we are to help something.

I have two dogs, and three cats of my very own. I love each and every one of them more than my own life. When the husband and I moved in together, it started with two cats, and a dog that at the time lived at my mothers house. When we moved to Texas, we were a perfectly happy little family, two cats and one dog. Then a friend passed along an email about a dog that someone needed to re-home for one reason or another. I passed my phone number and address along and told them that I would be happy to bring this pup into our home given that Lylah (our 7 yr old chow chow) approved. Afterall, she was there first, and if she wasn't going to tolerate another dog, then I just wouldn't get to keep him. Anyhow, they bring this gorgeous then 2 yr black chow chow over to our house, and while I had some reservations at first since Lylah had never lived with another dog (she'd been around them, though) let alone another chow, I wasn't really sure what was going to happen. Obviously things went well and our family grew by 50 lbs that day. He's been a great part of the family, if only he'd calm down a little bit, heh.

My husband would not let me go to PetsMart alone because he knew that if we only had 60$ in the bank account, that I would spend every dime on the animals up for adoption there. My heart breaks seeing animals in cages. We already had a 9 yr old declawed senior cat, and a 2 yr old ornery fat ass cat, what did we need another mouth to feed for? Because I am insane.

Well, there was a polydactyl (extra toes) kitty at PetsMart one week that I just absolutely fell head over heels for. The husband told me a week or so later, that if the cat was still there, we could get it. See, he's an animal lover too, he just refuses to admit it. So we both went to PetsMart and there was this multi-toed kitty just staring at me and begging me to take them home. But in the cage next door there was a new addition. An 8 yr old, toothless, overweight, ball of joy. My heart goes out to senior cats. People and families, generally speaking, do not want to adopt an adult, let alone senior cat. They want the kittens, and with good reason. Kittens are damn adorable. But me, I can't help it. Older cats need love too, and I'm here to give that to them. So I told my husband that I wanted her. I wanted to give her the best live we possibly good, and when we took her out of the cage she was glued to me. She didn't want to see him, she didn't want to see the clerk, she saw the sucker that was standing right in front of her and she turned on the charm. After I held her there was no saying no. I would have overdrawn the bank account if it had come to that. But it didn't come to that. We adopted her and brought her home and that's all she wrote.

But there was another part to that story that we weren't aware of when we brought her home. This cat had more serious health issues that we were lead to believe. We received her paperwork when we adopted her, and her known history (which wasn't much). But supposedly she was checked out by a vet and everything was fine. Well that's not exactly the case. She's blind in one eye, and likely going blind in the other. She doesn't seem to have the best hearing. She can't walk all that well, which could be from old age, from whenever she was declawed, or from her weight. But it's getting worse. She doesn't jump unless absolutely necessary. But the part that really worries me and breaks my heart - She has seizures. And there is absolutely nothing I can do about that. Our vet said we can do medication, but it is unlikely to affect or suppress the seizures. I fear that she might have a brain tumor causing the eye sight loss, the walking, and the seizures. That seems like an easy answer to all of her problems, but also a likely one.

Even with all of her health issues, and her age ... I am absolutely in love with her. She is the sweetest cat in the world. She loves me and only me. And I baby her. I try to keep her comfortable, keep her from falling off of things since her depth perception is off. I literally do everything for this cat. And tonight, he was holding my hand while sleeping in my lap and I couldn't ask for anything more. I adore all of my animals, but the love from a special needs cat that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am trying to help her is the greatest feeling in the world.

People can hate me and disappoint me all my life, but my pets will always be there for me and will always love me. I love you so much Bella, Lenny, Heidi, Lylah and Orson!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!