Saturday, February 19, 2011

Some fools fool themselves I guess

Oddly enough, Nazareth sums it up pretty good.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not having a great couple of months. And it shows. It shows with the blemishes on my face, the sourness of my attitude, the lack of energy, and overall apathetic outlook on my future. I thought wedding planning was supposed to be fun? Or at least enjoyable? Not in this case. I feel like I'm on a bad episode of Bridezillas and I'm not allowed to say how I feel. I guess it wouldn't be a problem if I had some outlet .. which is where you come in to play Blogspot.

I feel like I can't say anything negative about any sort of aspect concerning this wedding. If I say I don't much care for one thing or I'd rather have this then I hurt someone's feelings and they take it entirely too personal. If I don't jump up and down because of something they've done for me then I'm the bad guy. Explaining something once isn't enough apparently and if I happen to mention that I've already explained it before then I'm a bitch. What gives? Aren't I supposed to be the one with the bad attitude?

I try my best not to let it bother me, but having nothing better to do with my time it does bother me. It bothers me to the point of a silly screaming match. I've tried everything I can think of to relieve some of this unnecessary stress from retail therapy, stress relief candles, massages, spa outings to cheesecake and brownies for dinner. I am at a point where I honestly don't know where to go from here.
If I go down road A, then I'm a spineless weasel that settled just to please everyone. If I turn and go down road B, then I alienate my future family by being a selfish bitch. What are you supposed to do now?

What about when the bride starts feeling like maybe the wedding dress she picked out isn't exactly the one she wanted? Yeah, I said it. I've been holding it in for a few months now to try to convince myself that it's only a dress and in the end it doesn't really matter ... but it kinda does. I look at photos and it's not a terribly flattering dress on me. It's not the one that I loved when I first put it on and I feel like I was coerced into getting it because it fit all the categories except what should have been the most important. It fit the price range. It didn't need any alterations. We didn't have to wait six months from a manufacturer to get it, we could take it home off the rack. But maybe, just maybe it wasn't the one I loved. I never got the wow factor reaction that I so desperately wanted, and that's totally the fault of TLC and Say Yes to the Dress. Even when I show off the bridal portraits I had done, the only reactions I get are "That's such a cute idea!" and "OMG! You were on a horse?!" not "Wow you look beautiful!" Maybe that's where all this comes from. The bride is supposed to be gorgeous. Even if maybe, she's not the most lovely woman on the block. I'm terrified of the thought that my future husband doesn't think I'm pretty in it. I feel like I got cheated or that I never got the chance to feel out all the options available to me. Oh and heaven forbid I mention any of this to my family. They'd give me that look that just says disappointment and I'd feel even worse about the whole thing.

I guess it's another one of those things you just have to let go.

1 comment:

:::b r a n d i::: said...

it's your day. It should be exactly how you want it. There is a gentle way to tell people that you are going to do something a certain way because it's your wedding day. Ultimately they should understand, and if they don't then it's not your fault.

I think you looked beautiful in your dress, but that's another thing you have to be comfortable with. You (hopefully!) only get to wear one.