Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Tis another sad day in paradise.

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I just haven't really felt like putting things out there, or vocalizing whatever problems I may be having I suppose I don't feel like anyone really cares how I feel.

I've been pushing away whatever friends I thought I had simply because I'm starting to realize that they aren't really worth it. I try and try and try to be a great friend to people and it always backfires. I volunteer my family to help move someone into a new home and then I don't see or even talk to that someone for months on end. I do everything in my power to be in another friends life, and I constantly get cancelled on, walked over, and used for babysitting. I'm not even sure why I call these people my friends! Another is going through some spiritual things, and while I'm happy for her, I'm not on the same page and I feel as though she's the one pushing me away. Gerald and I aren't "believers" but we're not hate spewing anti-religion folks. We generally avoid the conversation with people as we believe that religion shouldn't be the only basis for friendship. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, no matter what the are.

While pushing those people away, I've also been feeling like my own family is pushing me away. For years my mom complained about how my brother never wanted to come over, or couldn't, or what have you. Yet, she never really made the effort. She only invited him over for holidays, but never just a "hey come over on tuesday lets go to lunch" type thing. Well now the same thing is happening to me. Can't say I'm surprised, really. I'm always expected to come over to her house. No matter what the reason or occasion, I'm always expected to be over there. And to be over there for hours at a time!
I find it hard to stay over there when if the tables were turned, she can't be bothered to stay at my house for more than an hour. And she only comes over when food is involved. Food that she doesn't eat because she thinks she's huge and refuses to acknowledge that starving yourself will only result in you getting larger. When preparing for my wedding last year, we had to do every single project at her house. We did one at my house and only because I begged for weeks about it. I don't understand what her problem is! I've never once told her she couldn't come over. She's changed, and I guess that's just something I'll have to cope with. She never acts as if she wants to be around me, regardless of the circumstances. She says she misses me, but I live a whooping 6 miles away. I'm not buying it. It makes me feel like maybe Gerald and I should have stayed in Oklahoma. We'd be dirt poor, but at least I'd have an excuse not to go over there and waste my days away other than "I don't want to."

Over the past two months, G and I have been trying really hard to find and purchase a home. We found one, but it turned out it wasn't eligible for our loan (which has certain restrictions) and in order to buy that house, we would have had to restructure the loan .. but if we did that, there would be no reason to buy in that area. Make sense? Probably not. Basically we can buy in certain area with benefits. The down side is that there are restrictions. Anyhow, we found another, but it was a short sale. We put in our offer on Feb 7th, but here it is 3/15 and we still don't know anything. I know that short sales take a really long time, and although we're told to expect and answer this week, I'm fairly certain that day will never come. Even if they answer, I'm sure it's a no. So last week we found the absolute perfect house ... but ultimately we were outbid. I want to blame our realtor for that, but that's not fair. He didn't disclose that there were other offers on the property, and it's likely that there weren't when we submitted the offer. I feel very let down, but I realize this happens and we'll eventually find something else. Eventually. I'm starting to think that it will never happen and we'll waste away in this shitty duplex that's only getting worse the longer we live here. Sure, it's fine and it gets the job done, but it's not a place to live long-term.

Anyhow, during this whole process my mom has done nothing but ignore the situation. I'll bring it up and she'll stop listening and walk away. If I was to say anything to her about it, she'd blow up, get her feelings hurt, and cry for days playing the victim. Well I'm tired of it. I'm going to stop telling her things and ultimately do exactly like my brother and his wife did. She'll be left to sit and talk about about us and feel sorry for herself, but she did it to herself. I can't keep trying to keep that relationship there if I'm the only one doing anything.

In other news, our home has become a safe haven for disabled animals. We took in a senior cat a few months back. She is 8 years old, missing teeth, malnourished, can't meow, chronic sensitive tummy, and has asthma. She's a lover, but now that makes two special needs cats. I also took in a special needs blind puppy. A six year old chihuahua mix. This is only temporary as I've already found a home for him. We have two large chows and while they do really good with the little blind guy, they play a little too rough with him. Orson (our 3 yrd old chow) follows George (the blind chihuahua) around the back yard and frequently checks on him. Lylah (our 8 yr old chow) shuffles him inside when it's time for bed. They've really taken a liking to him. G wasn't so happy about it, but he'll live. Once George has finished his rehab which includes healing a broken limb, having a few stitches removed next week, and another round of antibiotics, he'll be off to his new home.

I'd love to become a foster parent for an animal shelter, but I can't do that until we own a home. And even then I'm not sure the hubs would go for it. Does it really matter what he thinks? Naw.

We're coming up on our one year anniversary. We decided on no gifts for each other, but with the likelihood of home buying slowly slipping through our grasp, maybe we should spend all our savings and go on a nice trip somewhere especially since we didn't get to have a honeymoon. I sort of feel like we're the worst married couple ever.

Til next time.

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